It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Health Advisory

The family is going for yet ANOTHER foreign holiday. To SINGAPORE [which, by the way, just so happens to be my ultimate favorite destination EVER -and I know I said that about Thailand and Italy and Dubai and all, but I REALLY mean it this time].

This brings up many questions and concerns that I need to notify them about, such as;

  1. Isn’t it illegal in the United States of America to travel out of the country for a vacation WITHOUT your dog [if it isn’t illegal, then isn’t it about time it SHOULD be]??
  2. They’ve been for 4 foreign trips in 1 week [or something like that], not to mention the numerous domestic journeys they’ve made in the past month. Isn’t it unhealthy to be travelling so much?? I mean, haven’t they read that article in -um- British Vogue about how excessive exposure to the -ahem- radiation in aeroplanes causes -cough- Klonberitis?? Hello?? How IGNORANT could you GET?? Am I the only one in this darn family who cares about staying safe from atmospheric radiation??
  3. They’re just going around recklessly spending all that moolah that I am going to need for much greater uses in a few years time [such as hiring 71 bodyguards to protect me from from my legions of fans -not to mention the hounding paparazzi- who will be desperate to catch a glimpse of me, their ruler -hey, being a blogging dog is kind of a rare thing!!]

Do you need more reasons why Mom and Dad should either 1. NOT go to Singapore or 2. Go to Singapore WITH ME?? Because, let me assure you, I’ve got TONS.

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

What The Crabcake??

My wacko family has been acting really weird lately [even more so than usual, which is saying a lot]. Like they have some sort of secret plan to smuggle me to Rome and sell me fur to Italian drug dealers [what??].

I’m telling you, something’s going on, and I’ll bet my Uncle Ginger’s eyeball [the good one] that it’s got something to do with me. Hopefully, this is just me being egoistic and not the warning signs of a scheme to give me up for adoption to a muggle-born witch to keep as her pet companion when her drug-dealing husband goes out in search of innocent dogs to de-fur [WHAT??].

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Thoughts

A Quick Thought

My human sister is turning 14 in ten days.

What?? That’s it. The title demanded a thought, and I provided you with one. I can’t be funny ALL the time, y’know.

And just because I am a saint and insist on leaving my clamouring fans a.k.a you with a moral after each post [not really], let that be today’s lesson; even comediennes are unfunny on bad days.

Peace.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Rejected.

So. Ahem. It has come to my attention that every single sodding –how’s my Brit accent coming along??- publishing house I submitted my GENIUS book proposal to is -er-  not “interested” in my “specific genre” at “this point of time.”

My specific genre.

UM, HELLO?! WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??

Does it mean “loony with a hint of idiocy”?? Or “incompetent and unskilled”?? Or maybe even downright, blatant “trash”??

WHAT IS MY GENRE?!

Oh my Granolabar, WHAT am I jabbering about?? They cast off my manuscript and that’s all that matters right now. They just… discarded it, like they get offers from BLOGGING DOGS every day.

Wait a minute… OF COURSE!! Why didn’t I mention that I’m a SODDING –maybe a bit too much English-ness, eh??- BLOGGING DOG?? Of COURSE they’ll lap it all up [specific genre, and all] if only I slip in one not-so-tiny detail…

Looks like this post is going to be cut short, folks. I’m going to need a break from writing if I want to take the literary world by a storm [oh, the irony of it all]!!

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Woof Humor

PSOH=G2CB=UF+F+F [Trust Me, It Will Make Sense In 5 Minutes]

Mom, Dad and the kids have been gone for a full five days now, and let me tell you, if I’d known that them stepping out of the house would lead to my life DRASTICALLY improving, I would have kicked them out a LOONG time ago. In fact, I have even brought the entire situation down to a clear-cut, mathematical equation;

Parents+Siblings Out of the House = Grandma+Grandpa Come to Babysit = UNLIMITED FUN+FUN+FUN

When I look at it now, this equation really seems like pure genius. I mean, who needs boring Em=c2 [or something like that] when you have PSOH=G2CB=UF+F+F?? [That’s the boiled-down version of my mind-boggling discovery, see??] Why would you break your head over a complicated, over-the-top formula which basically helps ZERO people [except maybe the science nerds who find this sort of thing interesting] when you could study my method in about two minutes and go on to radically enhance your life??

I swear, my breakthrough is probably going to save a TON of lives. I mean, have you WATCHED the news lately?? Thousands upon thousands of college students, office workers, circus zebras [OK, maybe not CIRCUS zebras, but regular, Savannah ones for SURE], maniac bosses and other people from pretty much EVERY walk of life are committing suicide out of sheer, unadulterated BOREDOM.

And, OK, what I just stated may not be a verified FACT –as such- but there was a time when cigarettes were said to be non-cancerous. Heck, at one point, people believed that the EARTH was the centre of the universe [Thank you, A Brief History of Time –who says I’m not cultured??]. Give it some time, and I am 100% SURE that it will be uncovered that the main cause of suicide in the United States of America is NOT depression but is, in fact, boredom.

My point is, why would you go on to throw the towel when you have an instant recipe to be entertained 24/7 at your disposal?? [Which is EXACTLY what I’m providing what with my new innovation]

After a lot of thinking and consideration, I have decided to offer a proposal to all the major publishing houses of the world to print my astounding theory in a book [Confession: That is a lie. I barely even came up with my technique to instantaneous enjoyment. How on EARTH could I POSSIBLY have spent more than 2 seconds musing about whether to turn it into a bestseller?? Really, people, you astonish me with your ignorance and readiness-to-believe sometimes. How on EARTH you could even REMOTELY consider yourselves to be superior to us canines is a mystery alright].

Of course, the book will still need a fair bit of work to be invested into it [mainly because it only consists of 90-odd characters as of now] but the publishers can do that. After all, I have presented them with a very stable core; all they need to do is pad it using a few paragraphs and flowery language. I mean, how hard can it be?? I do it on this blog on an almost-daily basis!!

Whoops, I just revealed a VERY important, trade-secret of successful blogging to you, the common folk. Be a dawl [translation: doll] and pretend you didn’t read nothin’ [double negative, I KNOW] would ya’?? -HELLO unexpected Texan drawl. Come along when I needed you LEAST, I see.-

Ahem.

So, that was awkward.

Which is just as well, because it’s about time I wrapped this post up, anyway. I mean, I’ve spent ten entire minutes typing this up and I don’t want to waste a single extra second staring at a computer screen when I could be fussed silly by my devoted slaves [Told you I’d give you a shout out, Grandpa and Grandma!!].

CIAO FOR NOW!!

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Woof Humor

Why Holidays Are The Greatest Thing EVER

If you’re sitting in front of your computer, groaning along the lines of, “Damn it!! Feni the GREATEST BEING EVER is not only flawless and a brilliant over-achiever, but she’s also about to gush about how she’s going on a month-long trip to Milan while I’m going to be stuck here in this stinky office cubicle for the next 30 days, trying to sneak pictures of her FABULOUS holiday onto the browser without my boss catching me,” you’re in LUCK because not only am I NOT going to go for a vacation to Milan [or anywhere else, really] in the foreseeable future, I am also going to be stuck at home.

Now, if you’re even kind of like I think you are, you must be wondering, “Well, if she isn’t going on a journey to some exotic land or the other, and is going to be held prisoner at home INSTEAD, WHY is the title titled what the title is titled [quick challenge: try saying that thirty thousand times, SUPER fast]??”

Because, my dear reader, while I DID mention that I am going to be stuck at home, I didn’t add that I am going to be stuck at home WITH Grandma and Grandpa.

You see, that last bit makes a world of a difference, because WITHOUT G&G, I would LITERALLY be STUCK here for a whole two weeks, due to the fact that Mom and Dad are ACTUALLY [and not just fantasizing about it with their blog viewers] going to Europe for about twelve days while Taylor and Kathryn are attending Summer Camp. However, WITH Grandma and Grandpa… I’m going to be the OPPOSITE of stuck. I’m going to be UNSTUCK –wait, that doesn’t sound about right.

I’m going to be INVINCIBLE!!

This is solely because I can twist G&G around my paw for just about anything. One lick and tail wag to Grandma and she’ll start making arrangements for me to dine with the Queen of England, if that’s what I really want. One long, adoring look in Grandpa’s direction and he’ll be ordering a life-time supply of Choco Royale ice cream in my name before you can say “GRANDPARENTS RULE!!”

And THIS, Dear Reader, is exactly why I am FULLY looking forward to the tenth of this month, which is when the whole family departs for their various Holiday destinations while MY Holiday comes to ME!! While they roam around sticky, humid swamps in a forest infested with Malaria-carrying mosquitoes [or, you know, air-conditioned, boutique malls], I’ll be sitting RIGHT in front of the T.V, being waited on hand and foot by the most devoted slaves anyone could ever employ. While they aimlessly wander around concrete jungles in search of Wi-Fi hotspots, I’ll be ruling the roost back at home, with all the Internet I could ever need.

Whoever coined the term “Dog’s Life” was CLEARLY NOT a dog, I can assure you.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

April Fools

The only thing worse than being pranked on April 1st is NOT being pranked on April 1st. Trust me when I say this, because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.

Last year, [you know, when I first tried a hand at fooling unsuspecting blog viewers] even though I didn’t really tell you about it [because of sheer embarrassment], I got pranked at least two DOZEN times by my siblings. In a single day.

And I don’t mean that I was made to look like an utter MORON because of really impressive hoaxes, like taping my entire room [well, if I had one] with newspaper cuttings or converting my entire room [well, if I had one] into a toilet.

No no no.

APPARENTLY, my BELOVED sisters [sarcasm intended], decided that if they were going to ROYALLY fool me on April 1st [like, who even falls for anything on APRIL FOOLS anymore?? It’s not like the media DOESN’T constantly keep reminding us about it from January 1st], they wouldn’t even make me feel a little better about looking like a complete ASS by crafting such a brilliant scheme that ANYONE would have fallen for it. Of COURSE not.

Instead, I was moronified [Is that even a word?? Moronif- Well, it is one now] by totally USELESS and PATHETIC jokes like Whoopee cushions and the whole “my-cat-is-so-charming-she-keeps-chasing-the-laser-point-I-continuously-flash-on-the-carpet-because-I-am-a-jerk” thing [except, y’know, I’m a DOG and all].

Like, are you freaking KIDDING me?? Laughing because it seems like your dog has farted even though you know perfectly well that the sound was produced by the inflated balloon you placed under her rear end is SO amateur hour [though, to be fair, I was managing the sound effects on my own most of the time… If you know what I mean].

So that was my situation last year. 2014 [Granolabar, that seems like SUCH a long time ago].

This year?? A WHOLE different story.

This year, my siblings didn’t even think I was worth the cheap laughs. Prodding a store-bought farterizer [PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S A WORD] under my butt for some light entertainment?? Nah, too much trouble. This year, they didn’t even flash a red dot in front of my face and tempt me to chase it down the hall [and then proceed to upload the whole thing on YouTube, obviously]. This year, they didn’t even wake me up with a rain of ice.

This year, I was completely ignored.

And let me tell you, it felt like [BEEP!!].

I woke up as usual, ate breakfast as usual, did my morning business –ahem- as usual, slept as usual, hogged on my lunchtime kibble as usual, slept some more as usual, refused to go for my walk as usual, lustfully watched the family gorge a kind-sized box of Cinnabons as usual, had dinner as usual and finally, with a heavy heart, go to bed as usual.

And the WHOLE [BEEP!!]ING time, I kept thinking to myself, Ok, it’s going to happen any minute now… They’re going to pull a FANTASTIC one on me ANY SECOND NOW… I’m going to make an idiot of myself on a global website ANY NANOSECOND NOW…

But it never came. That minute/second/nanosecond never came.

A year ago, I would have been super relieved if only my sisters quit humiliating themselves with such inadequate practical jokes [a dog can only get excited about a random bone on the floor and then be shot in the butt with a dart after approaching it -and then be forced to take the whole thing good-humouredly- so many times]. But this time around, I found myself CRAVING for them to mix so much as a DROP of Tabasco sauce into my meals.

So I guess the moral of the story is, guys, be grateful for what you have. Your sisters may be annoying as heck and you might just be considering sitting on their faces while they sleep [or maybe that’s just me], but you never know what you’re going to miss their attention.

Also, try not to get pissed when someone pranks you [especially on April Fools]. Take it as a sign that they care about you so much that they went to such elaborate lengths just to add a little humor into your life.

Unless they screw with your food. In that case…

Get ‘em gooood.