I was casually minding my own business while stalking Karlie Kloss on Instagram yesterday evening when I happened to overhear my own MOTHER [well, foster mother] on the phone with one of her baking buddies.
What’s that?? There’s nothing scandalous about chatting up casual acquaintances??
Absolutely. I agree with you completely.
UNLESS you’re calling them up to nonchalantly tell them that you’re planning to SHAVE YOUR DOG!! ESPECIALLY if the aforementioned dog has NO IDEA about this to-be drastic change in her presently-perfect appearance.
I got such a shock when I heard this that I was forced to close all the open social media tabs at once [well, after reading through a few more captions and liking one or two more photos] and proceeded to promptly faint at the foot of the family study table [as quietly as I could manage it, because, being a dog, I’m naturally not supposed to be using the computer and hearing a loud thud from the forbidden study caused by my fainting would surely raise a few unwanted questions].
I mean, REALLY, imagine me naked!! Well, not naked but as close as you can get to that being a dog. I’ll be furless and shivering [hey, the summer can get frosty too!!] and the laughing stock of the entire town…
Oh my GANDOLF, the humiliation!!
If only I were Karlie Kloss, strutting the runway sporting the best clothes in the whole world, flaunting my flawless cheekbones on my insanely popular Instagram page, my life devoid of fur-related problems…
Just my luck!!
This blog is slowly turning into more than just a blog for me.
It’s becoming a source of life.
Not only does it let me meet and interact with YOU, my lovely subscribers [ha! Like anyone’s going to believe I have more than 4 followers, anyway], it also gives me the chance to pour out my deepest thoughts, uncork my buzzing mind and just let loose for a while.
It allows me to be heard. Do you know how rare that is nowadays [for dogs and -increasingly- humans, too]??
And I find myself becoming obsessed. Not wanting, but NEEDING to be on here, either with a post to add to the archives or to just re-read my old writings or even to browse through my non-existent notifications.
And it’s scary.
Because it means that I am dependant not just on Mom [who else is gonna’ cater to my stomach’s needs??] and Pedigree [who else is going to be catered to my stomach??] and Modern Family [what else am I gonna’ binge-watch on Lazy Saturday], but a slice of cyberspace as well?? Are you serious??
Which is why I’ve decided that a break is well overdue. Ever since I started this thing up just over 2 years ago, I have worked consistently and regularly and come up with posts on a weekly basis which is a big deal, especially if you take into consideration how I need to sneak about to get my hands on the computer and the large risk I face every time I do [being a Labrador is not so easy, ya’ know].
Also, I have to admit that 1D taking a break is kind of where I got the inspiration from so shoutout to those guys [I’m giving them a shoutout?? This is beyond pathetic].
So… I guess this is goodbye.
See you in December 😀
They’re back!! And they bought me heaps of presents!! And I’m oh so relieved!!
To be honest, calling it a “heap” is a bit of an understatement; what they brought back for me is kind of like a toy factory, Pedigree-manufacturing unit and souvenir store all rolled in one!!
And that [believe it or not] isn’t even the best part. From the moment the girls entered the front door, they’ve been fussing and crying all over me, repeatedly proclaiming that they “missed me more than they miss waiting eagerly for the next Harry Potter” [which, I can assure you, is a compliment of the highest order -of the Phoenix- see what I did there??].
Really, it’s a wonder they left my side long enough for me to be able to dash off this post.
Ah, speak of the devil. If I’m not mistaken, they’re calling me downstairs for dinner [yum]. I’m COMING!!
What if, even after spending TEN WHOLE DAYS in the City of Gifts [isn’t that what Singapore is also known as?? Probably not. Hey, I’m a DOG. It’s a blistering miracle I can even spell Singapore, forget know all of its nicknames!!], my family comes home empty-handed.
After all those Polaroids and all that anger, what if they return without a single souvenir for their precious pooch??
I mean, they WON’T. Obviously. However many times they’ve left me to fend for myself at home while they trotted across the globe, they’ve never not brought back something for me.
But there’s always a first.
It’d probably be a good idea to stop depressing myself with thoughts like these before I break another one of their antiques in the name of revenge [I lost count after the authentic didgeridoo I smashed against the kitchen wall].
I am BEYOND enraged, at the moment.
Not only is the family posting an inhumane number of holiday snapshots every hour [last time I checked, there were 7,916 photos. In FIVE days] but they have also “forgotten” to call!! Do you have ANY IDEA what this means?? Not only does it suggest that
- Taking 600 pictures a minute is more important to them than picking up the phone and calling their distressed dog [i.e, me].
But one could also say that it implies
2. They just don’t care [about me] anymore!!
Be right back, guys. Sobbing my partially-color-blind eyes out…
The family is going for yet ANOTHER foreign holiday. To SINGAPORE [which, by the way, just so happens to be my ultimate favorite destination EVER -and I know I said that about Thailand and Italy and Dubai and all, but I REALLY mean it this time].
This brings up many questions and concerns that I need to notify them about, such as;
- Isn’t it illegal in the United States of America to travel out of the country for a vacation WITHOUT your dog [if it isn’t illegal, then isn’t it about time it SHOULD be]??
- They’ve been for 4 foreign trips in 1 week [or something like that], not to mention the numerous domestic journeys they’ve made in the past month. Isn’t it unhealthy to be travelling so much?? I mean, haven’t they read that article in -um- British Vogue about how excessive exposure to the -ahem- radiation in aeroplanes causes -cough- Klonberitis?? Hello?? How IGNORANT could you GET?? Am I the only one in this darn family who cares about staying safe from atmospheric radiation??
- They’re just going around recklessly spending all that moolah that I am going to need for much greater uses in a few years time [such as hiring 71 bodyguards to protect me from from my legions of fans -not to mention the hounding paparazzi- who will be desperate to catch a glimpse of me, their ruler -hey, being a blogging dog is kind of a rare thing!!]
Do you need more reasons why Mom and Dad should either 1. NOT go to Singapore or 2. Go to Singapore WITH ME?? Because, let me assure you, I’ve got TONS.
If wishes were horses, would horses have wings??
[Just a little mindbuster to get those brain juices flowing. Good morning!!]