It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

A Hasty Update

The family’s back from their French rendez-vous tomorrow [that’s the right phrase, isn’t it??] and I could NOT be more pleased. Winston is delightful company, for sure, but he certainly isn’t a reliable source of stolen chew sticks [unlike my annoying-but-kinda’-nice sisters] and he definitely doesn’t plan on taking me to the beach anytime soon [which I can rely on my parents to do at least twice a month].

I mean, I’m all for roughing it out and all, but a girl can only go for so many days without a little frolic in the waves before a line is crossed.

Ramblings · Woof Humor

Knight In Shining Armour

For the first time in the forty two long [dog] years that I’ve lived, it seems like Lady Luck might FINALLY be giving me a helping hand!!

Yes, dear reader, I am in a glorious mood today because of a number of reasons, most of them having something to do with darling little Winston [or just plain Win, as I like to call him], but I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I??

This particularly cheerful story started on a pretty sour yesterday afternoon, when my so-called “family” left me behind with Grandma J and jetted off to Paris for an exotic summer vacay. Can you BELIEVE them?? What happened to “all for one and one for all”?? What happened to “no man gets left behind”??

And they’re going to PARIS, of all places. My DREAM DESTINATION. It should be ILLEGAL for people to leave behind their precious pooches on their holiday to the gastronomic capital of the world; it really should.

As you can see, I had every right to be cross. It just wasn’t FAIR.

Little did I know that in a short span of twenty four hours, I would be rescued from this highly unsavory situation by a decidedly charming member of my own species.

I didn’t know it at the time, but a friend of Dad’s was to come stay over at our place for the duration of their French sojourn and guess what??

HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DOG!! [See?? THAT’S how family should be. Together in sickness and in health, at home and on holiday]

And Win isn’t just ANY dog. Oh, no.  He’s an adorable, purebred Labrador [just like yours truly] and he is GORGEOUS. For me, looking at him is just like looking into a mirror [a mirror that makes you skinnier and your fur glossier, but maintains the same level of FABULOUS] so it’s no WONDER that I adore his company.

Writing this update has taken away enough of my time already, time that I could’ve spent  gaily frolicking in the garden with Win. Till next time!!

Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Hypocritical, Much?

The family and I were watching a spot of TV the other day when this advert about “Camp Canine” [“it’s exactly what it sounds like; a summer camp for dogs!”] came on and, as if on cue, every single member of my family pounced on me with the same exact question; “Why can’t you be like the dogs on TV, Feni??”

The animals in question happened to be bounding across a field of some sort, their tails magically wagging in sync with their perfectly perky ears, and I couldn’t help but be taken aback by the blatant hypocrisy I was being showered with.

I mean, aren’t you guys the ones constantly complaining about the unrealistic standards celebrities set for the rest of the human population?? How supermodels with their size-zero hips and spotless faces aren’t “realistic”?? How it’s unfair that y’all are compared to overly-made-up actors and actresses??

And yet you don’t miss a beat when it comes to rating your own pet against a telly-pooch who has most definitely been caked with at least twenty different creams and lotions before filming so its fur appears all glossy for the cameras. Tell me I’m not the only one seeing the ridiculousness of the situation!!

Honestly, for such an “evolved” species, you guys have a lot of growing up to do, that’s for sure!!

Take TWO · Woof Humor

Privacy, Please!

For those of you who have ever -and I mean EVER- thought to yourselves “well, it’d sure be nice to be born a dog, wouldn’t it??”, I’d like to set the record straight and assure you that the life of a canine is, in fact, the EXACT OPPOSITE of “nice”.

Even if you push past the usual complains of not being able to speak, play Mario Kart or eat Chipotle [which are all soul-crushing in their own right], there’s the whole issue of privacy.

From the moment I wake up, my every move is observed and scrutinized by at least three different people and that’s not exactly the kind of attention I’m looking for.

Whether I’m snoozing or pooping or licking my you-know-what [three of my most-indulged-in activities, in that order], you can be sure that there’s at least one pair of nosy human eyes catching every movement [ha!! A “nosy pair of eyes”!! The English language is as strange as it is enchanting].

This is about as pleasant as it sounds [i.e, not pleasant at all] and I’d definitely like all this excessive attention to stop ASAP, thanks very much.

If you feel that it’s time animals are guaranteed the right to privacy and a stare-free poo, do take the time to sign the petition I put up in the hopes that we get together and change things – before it’s too late…

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Intruder Alert!

I’m TRYING to be calm about this, I really am, but this is all getting a bit too much. I’m a nice dog so I keep to myself as much as possible but this? This is really crossing the limits.

You know what they say, the more you keep quiet the more you’re taken advantage of. And isn’t that what’s happening? I’m being exploited, aren’t I? My personal space is being compromised, my territory is being infringed upon, my oxygen is being polluted, honestly, I can’t take much more of this, I just can’t-

Guess what? Just when I thought my family couldn’t POSSIBLY care any less about my needs and desires [I mean, I only get four meals a day! How do you expect me to maintain my curves if I’m being starved like this?] they go ahead and INVITE ANOTHER DOG INTO THE HOUSE!!

Can you believe them? They had the guts to tell their colleague -not even a close buddy or a blood relation, just a colleague, mind you- that we have the space at our place to babysit their pet for three entire days! While they fly to London and look after their ailing mother or some such garbage! The audacity!

What I really want to know is how on EARTH they thought this arrangement would work out. Tempting a dog into my turf and then expecting us to get along? How stupid are they, anyway?

Look what they’ve made me do; in all my frustration I’ve knocked over a glass of orangeade and stained the tablecloth quite considerably. Ugh, I’ve got to go clean up this mess.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather wash a thousand tablecloths than have to go back ad face The Other Dog, so I guess I’m not really complaining.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Dilemma with a capital “D”

Still recovering from that ultra-shock Taylo gave me last week.

Well, not Taylor HERSELF, but the fact that she has a freaking BLOG. A freaking WORDPRESS blog. A freaking DISASTROUS WordPress blog. [I think I’m running of adjectives to use. Iphone Siri was right; I need to go learn myself some English!!]

Oof.

This has TOTALLY floored me. What if Taylor tracks me down through the WordPress-community-members page and then -I don’t know- asks me whether I want to meet up sometime for a Cappucinno or something?? Huh?? WHAT WILL I SAY?? “Um, I’m pretty sure we’ve already met considering how we’ve been living under the same roof for about FOUR YEARS NOW. Oh, I’m your DOG, by the way. You’re talking, blogging, thinking DOG. P.S: Don’t tell Mom!!” As IF.

Although, you know, I’m kind of certain nobody wants to grab a bite with someone whose WP avatar is a turd.

WHAT?? [That was an indignant “WHAT??,” by the way] Picking a suitable avatar is VERY stressful, OK?? I ended up in tears because of my inability to choose between a DELECTABLE sack of Pedigree or an equally scrumptious-looking raspberry chew as my profile picture. I ended up choosing the poop-emoticon because HELLO?? All the cool kids were RAVING about it [I think]. AND, it’s just as YUM as kibble, so win-win.

Actually, make that win-win-win, because it is DEFINITELY going to ward Taylor off. TOTALLY.

Problem solved.

Phew.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Woof Humor

PSOH=G2CB=UF+F+F [Trust Me, It Will Make Sense In 5 Minutes]

Mom, Dad and the kids have been gone for a full five days now, and let me tell you, if I’d known that them stepping out of the house would lead to my life DRASTICALLY improving, I would have kicked them out a LOONG time ago. In fact, I have even brought the entire situation down to a clear-cut, mathematical equation;

Parents+Siblings Out of the House = Grandma+Grandpa Come to Babysit = UNLIMITED FUN+FUN+FUN

When I look at it now, this equation really seems like pure genius. I mean, who needs boring Em=c2 [or something like that] when you have PSOH=G2CB=UF+F+F?? [That’s the boiled-down version of my mind-boggling discovery, see??] Why would you break your head over a complicated, over-the-top formula which basically helps ZERO people [except maybe the science nerds who find this sort of thing interesting] when you could study my method in about two minutes and go on to radically enhance your life??

I swear, my breakthrough is probably going to save a TON of lives. I mean, have you WATCHED the news lately?? Thousands upon thousands of college students, office workers, circus zebras [OK, maybe not CIRCUS zebras, but regular, Savannah ones for SURE], maniac bosses and other people from pretty much EVERY walk of life are committing suicide out of sheer, unadulterated BOREDOM.

And, OK, what I just stated may not be a verified FACT –as such- but there was a time when cigarettes were said to be non-cancerous. Heck, at one point, people believed that the EARTH was the centre of the universe [Thank you, A Brief History of Time –who says I’m not cultured??]. Give it some time, and I am 100% SURE that it will be uncovered that the main cause of suicide in the United States of America is NOT depression but is, in fact, boredom.

My point is, why would you go on to throw the towel when you have an instant recipe to be entertained 24/7 at your disposal?? [Which is EXACTLY what I’m providing what with my new innovation]

After a lot of thinking and consideration, I have decided to offer a proposal to all the major publishing houses of the world to print my astounding theory in a book [Confession: That is a lie. I barely even came up with my technique to instantaneous enjoyment. How on EARTH could I POSSIBLY have spent more than 2 seconds musing about whether to turn it into a bestseller?? Really, people, you astonish me with your ignorance and readiness-to-believe sometimes. How on EARTH you could even REMOTELY consider yourselves to be superior to us canines is a mystery alright].

Of course, the book will still need a fair bit of work to be invested into it [mainly because it only consists of 90-odd characters as of now] but the publishers can do that. After all, I have presented them with a very stable core; all they need to do is pad it using a few paragraphs and flowery language. I mean, how hard can it be?? I do it on this blog on an almost-daily basis!!

Whoops, I just revealed a VERY important, trade-secret of successful blogging to you, the common folk. Be a dawl [translation: doll] and pretend you didn’t read nothin’ [double negative, I KNOW] would ya’?? -HELLO unexpected Texan drawl. Come along when I needed you LEAST, I see.-

Ahem.

So, that was awkward.

Which is just as well, because it’s about time I wrapped this post up, anyway. I mean, I’ve spent ten entire minutes typing this up and I don’t want to waste a single extra second staring at a computer screen when I could be fussed silly by my devoted slaves [Told you I’d give you a shout out, Grandpa and Grandma!!].

CIAO FOR NOW!!