Woof Humor

The Sixty-Fifth Telling

Wiped off the extra-large hot-fudge-and-strawberry ice cream sundae that Mum placed on the kitchen counter [I hope she didn’t intend on finishing it, because now there’s nothing LEFT to finish]. Just what I need to get me through the day, a quick and sugary energy boost.

Speaking of the T.V [Oh, we weren’t talking about the telly?? Oops, my bad!!], I wrote a Movie Review on Frozen. You know, the movie that everybody who’s anybody is talking about. So, because I wanted to seem like a SOMEBODY, I wrote a few paragraphs about it.

Here it is, my cold beauty;

Let me start by saying; Gosh, that movie was HOT!! [The cruel irony of the film industry, eh??]

I couldn’t TEAR my eyes off the TV screen even for a short potty break. [yeah, I just said “potty”] I mean, SERIOUSLY. [OK, I said the “P” word in public. Now could you please get over it??] It was THAT great. [POTTY!!!! POTTY!!!! POTTY!!!!! Is THAT POTTYlicious enough for you?? You poop hating FREAKS!!!!!!]

-Let’s start this over-

Under usual circumstances, I would begin a movie review with maybe a few newspaper ratings and boring stats like the sold-out theatres, broken records, blah, blah, blah. But, let me remind you, there is NOTHING normal about Frozen, the SENSATIONAL animated Disney movie that won TWO Oscars at the 86th academy awards [there I go with the stats again].

From the moment the picture started, I was GLUED. My whole body tensed up, waiting for the next revelation. I had so many questions, and I was blood hungry for the answers.

The clothes were elegant, the story itself was quite interesting, the songs were catchy and fun to sing along to, [not that I have them on Replay or anything. Why would I?? Right??] it was very child-friendly and clean.

It WAS cliche, I’ll admit it. [Princess meets Prince. Princess falls in love with Price. Princess marries Prince. Princess meets Man Who Sells Ice. Man Who Sells Ice falls in love with Princess. Princess finds out that Prince is not in love with her and wants to take over her kingdom. Princess dumps Prince. Princess falls in love with Man Who Sells Ice. The End. -OK, it may not be THAT cliche…-] But it did have tons of original ideas. Like the Snowman, Olaf. [A personal favorite]

Although it was very, very good, I have a few doubts I want to clear with the script writers. I mean,

Why did Elsa have magic powers that she didn’t even want?? Couldn’t she somehow magically donate it to someone who actually cared two hoots whether they could shoot frost out of their hands?? [Like me??]

Why did Anna want Else back so badly?? Even after Elsa practically KILLED her at her ice-fort thingy. Yeah, this is a true demonstration of  a sister’s love and all, but when does this happen in REAL life?? [The place where dancing dollops of snow and rock-trolls don’t exist]

How on EARTH does Kristoff’s [A.K.A Man Who Sells Ice] reindeer live THAT long?? AND be so fit and healthy?????????

I’d love to go on, but Mum’s calling me in for lunch. Boy, am I starving!! And we’re having my favorite today; Food!! I’ll see you later, Reader. Oh, and FOLLOW!!!!!

So?? What do you have to say?? Good?? Not good?? OK?? Absolutely, unbelievably, grossly pathetic??

Well whatever you want to say, feel free to use the comment section and the poll thats pasted below. Happy Reading!!


Woof Humor

The Sixty-Third Byte

Completely exhausted. I just jogged along the ENTIRE perimeter of the master bedroom TWICE and am sweating like a pig. Oops, just forgot that dog’s can’t actually SWEAT. You got me there, didn’t you, Reader??

Anyway, I just wanted to inform you that today was my foster-parents anniversary. Taylor and Trikaya stayed up all night and made their parents breakfast in bed which was actually more like charred bits of “bread” and sour chunks of cream, but by the looks on the faces of their Mum and Dad, you would’ve thought they’d just discovered a cure for cancer.

Well, if they’re happy, I’m happy. [I guess]


Woof Humor

The Sixty-Second Text

It’s been a week since I sent the letter, but Jennifer Lawrence STILL hasn’t replied!! This is the last time I ever try to interact with the famous, that’s for sure.

The fact that I haven’t received a response is quite a bummer, because I was keen on having a celeb pen friend. But, hey, you win some you lose some, right??

Oh, my tummy has doubled its size since I began blogging. I have even grown a triple chin!! At this rate, my foster family will have to trade abodes with me; I get to stay in their wonderful mansion while they house at my kennel. It’s a fair proposition, eh??

Just yesterday, I jotted down a poem, my first in weeks [It’s amazing how much weight can damped your inner poet]. Take a look;

Feni [A poem on myself]

I’m a sweet little thing

With a little too much fat

I ain’t got no bling

Except my gilded hat

It isn’t really mine

Just a sister’s hand-me-down

But it looks pretty fine

And goes well with my gown

OK, maybe I don’t have one

A lady’s gown, I mean

But how can I run

In a garment so clean??

It’s time I stopped my writing

I’ve scrawled quite enough

Oh, my sister’s are fighting

Boy, don’t they look tough!!

Well then, how do you like it?? A rookie’s piece, I know, but hey, at least I gave it a shot.

There I go again, getting all defensive over nothing. Sorry if I offended you, Dear Reader, but its just that… Nowadays pedestrians who happen to glance my way point out at my protruding belly and… well, you know the rest.

I’m sure that you have more interesting things to do that listen to a chubby dog’s sob story so I’l leave you to get about it now. Good Afternoon!!

Woof Humor

The Sixty-First eMail

Oh Best Beloved, [hey, I DIDN’T copy that from Kipling, he copied it from ME!!!] below this introduction, I have attached a copy of the letter I posted to Jennifer Lawrence earlier today. Enjoy!!

Dear Jennifer Lawrence,

First of all, I would like to state that I am a HUGE fan. I have read the entire Hunger Games trilogy, watched both the movies and eagerly wait for the release of the third one. The way you have portrayed Katniss Everdeen is truly remarkable. You are indeed one of the finer actors of our generation.

Although I could go on about this subject for hours on end, the main purpose of my writing you this letter is to talk to you about something a little more… important, if you will. You see, I, along with the rest of the world, watched the Oscars last night. It was a spectacular event, complete with the biggest stars of the film industry and one of the most marvelous comedians our planet has beheld; Miss Ellen DeGeneres. 

[You know where I’m heading to, don’t you??]

This is my question to you, and I’m going to say it -I mean, write it- here and now, as directly as I can;

Are you high??

OK, that probably came out rude and obnoxious, but hear me out. I’ve done my research, and I’ve figured out that it is NOT NORMAL for twenty-three year old, Oscar nominated actresses to just… fall, you know what I mean?? I also previewed your previous Oscar tumble -the one where you dramatically slipped while waltzing onstage to receive your  Best Actress academy award- and maybe that trip can be excused because of the surprise and the excitement and all.

But ONCE AGAIN?????? SERIOUSLY????????? This time around, I can’t simply brush away the plunge as “nerves.” I mean, it was TOTALLY Cate Blanchett‘s night. So HOW COME??? 

Or is it a Dior advertisement scheme?? You have to admit it, this ad looks pretty AWESOME!! :

I’m not writing this mail for the heck of it. I’m genuinely worried about you. How will I survive without watching MockingJay in the theatre?? [Private-Note-To-My-Readers-That-Was-Not-Mentioned-In-The-Letter: She doesn’t necessarily need to know that the “person” who wrote this is a dog, does she??]

It is on this note that I sign off.

On behalf of all the JLaw fans out there,

Feni Patterson