Take TWO · Woof Humor

Birthday=Cake

Taylor turned 14 today and the only reasons this affects me in the least are;

  1. Like it or not, she’s my -well- sister and I was forced by my conscience [WHY do have to be such a decent¬†person dog??] to be extra-nice to her today [i.e, NOT burp in her face when she bends down to pet me].
  2. Birthdays ALWAYS mean cake and cake ALWAYS means guests and guests ALWAYS leave Mom distracted and Mom being distracted ALWAYS means I can snatch a couple mouthfuls of the aforementioned cake when nobody’s looking.

Also, general festivity ALWAYS makes me happy so win-win ūüėÄ

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

We’ll Take This Way Too Far [What The Minion??]

This morning, I was innocently going through my Internet feed when I saw this;

Image result for Minions Are going too far

Trying [and failing miserably] to shield my eyes from the horror, I scrolled down as fast as humanely possible only to be terrorized by this;

Image result for Minions Are going too far

Obviously thinking that the worst was over, I sifted through a few more articles about “Cures for Cancer” and “Solutions to End World Hunger” [whatever that means], when I discovered THIS;

Embedded image permalink

Now, if your eyeballs haven’t already shriveled up and popped out of their sockets after those startling [to say the least] pictures, I want you to read this, and read it carefully;

ENOUGH OF THIS YELLOW MADNESS!!

Seriously, this whole Minion thing is going WAY to far. Not only is the Internet now plagued with countless Minion memes, but everything from tattoos to posters to breath mints are now being modeled after their slimy, sickening faces [and NO, that is NOT me being jealous on account of the fact that mumbling dumplings of ochre are getting way more attention and affection that ME, the worlds first and only blogging dog. Envy?? ABSOLUTELY not].

I’m just going to go lie down, now. I owe a few hours of darkness to my retina that have just burned off thanks to the pages and pages of shocking yellow. Yeurgh. Who ever made them LEGAL?!

Review · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Movie Review: Inside Out

So I went to watch Pixar’s latest blockbuster Inside Out in the multiplex yesterday and it was FAB FAB FAB!!

A HA!!

That was just a test to see whether you were paying attention an squealed out “BUT YOU COULDN’T HAVE GONE TO THE MULTIPLEX BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT EVEN HUMAN, FENI!!” I mean, I am a DOG, a fur-shedding, Pedigree-eating, dung-loving dog, who DEFINITELY isn’t allowed in the fancy cinema downtown. I’m barely allowed in my OWN home, forget a plush theater.

Anyway, the truth is we bought the glossy DVD from MegaView, made a bowl of buttery popcorn [well, I got stuck with a few scruffy bones, but no complaints] and then settled in for an hour and a half of animated nonsense.

Or so I expected.

What followed blew my mind, for various reasons. One being that I didn’t really expect it to amount to anything. Sure, there’d be a few catchy songs thrown in ¬†that everyone will hum for the next week or so, maybe even a Top 10 Billboard hit.

What I didn’t see coming was a thought-provoking, beautifully crafted film with something for everybody; colorful animations for the kids, #sorelatable moments for the tweens, subtle chuckles for the adults… There were funny bits, triumphant bits, happy bits, tear jerking bits, sad bits, reminiscent bits…

What more could you ask for??

The [SPOILER ALERT!! You have been warned] cute little Riley flashbacks scattered throughout were my favorite scenes, as were the ones with Ding Dong. Oh, and just about every single minute with Sadness. And Disgust, my, my!! And ANGER!! Ooh, and wasn’t Panic exactly like that one best friend we all have?? And-

BASICALLY, I thoroughly enjoyed the entire thing. It’s fun, refreshing and a new concept that’s magnificently portrayed. I would DEFINITELY recommend watching it, be it at your place or a glitzy theater or the Internet.

HOWEVER [there’s always a “however,” isn’t there??], I have to state that the way they finished Ding Dong off was REALLY shocking¬†-in a bad way. I personally believe that a character¬†as well developed and important as Ding Dong was¬†deserves a more “proper” farewell. Sure, it was noble and sacrificing and all, but seeing him tumble into the depths of The Pit Of No-Return was truly heartbreaking and brought tears to my eyes.

Also, Joy ditching Sadness and DD to rush back to the HQ is COMPLETELY out of character. Sure, she may care more about Riley’s happiness than life itself, but abandoning them like that wasn’t at all like the optimistic, problem-solving Joy that we had made acquaintance with half an hour ago.

HOWEVER [another one of those?? Like as if one isn’t bad enough], I would still chalk this movie up as one of the Top 5 Animated Movies I Have Ever Watched In My Entire Life [which isn’t saying much, considering how I’ve probably only watched about 3. But still. It’s the thought that counts, right??].

Woof Humor

The Hundred and Ninth Fact

Here’s a quick piece of information: Cats and Dogs?? Yeah, they pretty much hate each other.

Which leads to my NEXT piece of information: Cats and Dogs?? Yeah, it’d be DOWNRIGHT STUPID to try to ask them to LIVE TOGETHER. PERMANENTLY.

Which is why, based on those two, very accurate bits of knowledge, I an conclude that: I live with a psychotic family.

Because, just when I started thinking to myself¬†Hey, congratulations!! You’ve hit ROCK BOTTOM and there’s no way to proceed but UP, UP, UP!!¬†My father comes along and indirectly assures me that if I dig hard enough, there is a way to penetrate the rock at the bottom.

Which, just FYI, is NOT a good thing.

My whole life, I knew that there would be a point when I’d reach a situation that TOTALLY sucked. From every possible angle. And that there’d be no way out of it except to persevere. And, I believed that, as soon as I waited long enough and got out of the rut, there would be no other option but to shoot to world fame and eternal glory.

[Which should give you an idea of exactly how messed up the internal working of my brain really are]

Naturally, when the cat came to stay for a short holiday, I assumed that I’d reached the place I’d been dreading my whole life, and I was kept alive and running only by the knowledge that at the end of the whole escapade, I would be mentioned along the lines of Beyonce and Oprah.

OBVIOUSLY, that didn’t happen. Instead of catching late night tequila shots with Gwen Stefani, I got my father casually asking me whether I’d like the cat to stay. FOREVERMORE.

I was so shocked, I almost puked in my mouth. ¬†Having the cat stay for a few weeks is torture enough. But for the rest of my life?! I’d rather be put of a¬†¬†long lasting NON-FAT TOFU [if there is such a thing] diet.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?? Why can’t the Gods just made me a superstar already?? It’s not like I’m not destined to be one, anyway.

Woof Humor

The Hundred and Eighth Shudder

Not only do I have to live under the same roof as a CAT [who my parents have re-christened her Fluffy -despite watching that documentary on Animal Planet yesterday that VERY clearly stated that animals should not be given numerous names due to that amount of confusion that is sure to follow. Not that a CAT can be EVER mistaken for something as majestic as an ANIMAL. But still-] but, apparently, I have to PLAY with it as well!!

PLAY!!

At first, I thought they were joking. Who in their right mind expects DOGS and CATS to get along?? And what is the point, anyway?? We have enough friends in our respective species, thank you very much. I don’t need a skinny, flea-infested, rodent-catcher as a companion.

Woof Humor

The Hundred and Seventh Relief

Thank HEAVENS. The C-A-T* is only a temporary member of the family. She’s Dad’s colleague’s wife’s brother-in-law’s nephew’s pet and, as they are going on a world cruise, they decided that they’d dump their gruesome feline at our place.

The only thing better than waking up to discover that a C-A-T* has been added to your family for the time being is waking up to discover that a C-A-T* has been added to your family forEVER. My blood curdles just thinking about it.

Imagine seeing a C-A-T* at the foot of your¬†dining table first thing in the morning, ever single morning for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. The only thing scarier would be watching Paranormal Activity 4 when you’re home alone.

Temporary or not, the presence of this measly excuse of an animal is starting to bug me. Just because it¬†doesn’t like any flavor other than beeping tuna, why do I have to go through shovels of fish for MY meals??

WHY can’t my family loosen their purse strings for ONCE IN THEIR LIVES and order me a nice, deluxe meal from the gourmet dog restaurant across the street?? I’m telling you, it is sheer TORTURE to see pampered pooches being chauffeured into the place by their filthy rich owners on a daily basis.

If THEY can have “rich, creamy slices of steak garnished with avocado and lime” WHY CAN’T I?!?!? They aren’t BETTER than me, right?? I mean,¬†do they have blogs with GLOBAL FAN-FOLLOWINGS?? Are they CAPABLE of THINKING?? DO THEY KNOW HOW TO FLUFFING TYPE????????????

I can assure you, they most certainly do NOT.

SO WHHYY????????? WHHYY MEEEEE?????????? [And I am not typing each¬†letter twice because my paw keeps slipping thanks to the tears that are gushing from my blood-shot eyes. I’m doing it for dramatic effect, of course]

_____________

*I’ve refrained from using certain words throughout the duration of the post and have utilized their spellings instead to avoid political disturbance [C-A-T’s can’t READ, you know -they’re SO stupid- Hey, if you think about it, I’m the stupid one here. If they can’t read in the first place, why have I bothered to SPELL THE WORDS OUT?? My idiocy baffles the mind, it really does].