Ramblings · Woof Humor

Knight In Shining Armour

For the first time in the forty two long [dog] years that I’ve lived, it seems like Lady Luck might FINALLY be giving me a helping hand!!

Yes, dear reader, I am in a glorious mood today because of a number of reasons, most of them having something to do with darling little Winston [or just plain Win, as I like to call him], but I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I??

This particularly cheerful story started on a pretty sour yesterday afternoon, when my so-called “family” left me behind with Grandma J and jetted off to Paris for an exotic summer vacay. Can you BELIEVE them?? What happened to “all for one and one for all”?? What happened to “no man gets left behind”??

And they’re going to PARIS, of all places. My DREAM DESTINATION. It should be ILLEGAL for people to leave behind their precious pooches on their holiday to the gastronomic capital of the world; it really should.

As you can see, I had every right to be cross. It just wasn’t FAIR.

Little did I know that in a short span of twenty four hours, I would be rescued from this highly unsavory situation by a decidedly charming member of my own species.

I didn’t know it at the time, but a friend of Dad’s was to come stay over at our place for the duration of their French sojourn and guess what??

HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DOG!! [See?? THAT’S how family should be. Together in sickness and in health, at home and on holiday]

And Win isn’t just ANY dog. Oh, no.  He’s an adorable, purebred Labrador [just like yours truly] and he is GORGEOUS. For me, looking at him is just like looking into a mirror [a mirror that makes you skinnier and your fur glossier, but maintains the same level of FABULOUS] so it’s no WONDER that I adore his company.

Writing this update has taken away enough of my time already, time that I could’ve spent  gaily frolicking in the garden with Win. Till next time!!

Take TWO · Woof Humor

We Are Family

They’re back!! And they bought me heaps of presents!! And I’m oh so relieved!!

To be honest, calling it a “heap” is a bit of an understatement; what they brought back for me is kind of like a toy factory, Pedigree-manufacturing unit and souvenir store all rolled in one!!

And that [believe it or not] isn’t even the best part. From the moment the girls entered the front door, they’ve been fussing and crying all over me, repeatedly proclaiming that they “missed me more than they miss waiting eagerly for the next Harry Potter” [which, I can assure you, is a compliment of the highest order -of the Phoenix- see what I did there??].

Really, it’s a wonder they left my side long enough for me to be able to dash off this post.

Ah, speak of the devil. If I’m not mistaken, they’re calling me downstairs for dinner [yum]. I’m COMING!!

Take TWO

You Don’t Think…

What if, even after spending TEN WHOLE DAYS in the City of Gifts [isn’t that what Singapore is also known as?? Probably not. Hey, I’m a DOG. It’s a blistering miracle I can even spell Singapore, forget know all of its nicknames!!], my family comes home empty-handed.

After all those Polaroids and all that anger, what if they return without a single souvenir for their precious pooch??

I mean, they WON’T. Obviously. However many times they’ve left me to fend for myself at home while they trotted across the globe, they’ve never not brought back something for me.

But there’s always a first.

It’d probably be a good idea to stop depressing myself with thoughts like these before I break another one of their antiques in the name of revenge [I lost count after the authentic didgeridoo I smashed against the kitchen wall].

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

RUDE!

I am BEYOND enraged, at the moment.

Not only is the family posting an inhumane number of holiday snapshots every hour [last time I checked, there were 7,916 photos. In FIVE days] but they have also “forgotten” to call!! Do you have ANY IDEA what this means?? Not only does it suggest that

  1. Taking 600 pictures a minute is more important to them than picking up the phone and calling their distressed dog [i.e, me].

But one could also say that it implies

2. They just don’t care [about me] anymore!!

Be right back, guys. Sobbing my partially-color-blind eyes out…

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Salt In My Wounds

It’s been just seventeen HOURS since the family left for their Singapore “SLAYcataion” [slay is so 2014] and Dad has already posted 247 photos on Instagram. Talk about rubbing it in!! I mean, is it not enough that you haven’t taken your own DOG with you on holiday?? Do you ALSO have to chronicle every single second [including the airport toilet break. Honestly, no one needs to see that] and publish it on social media??

I think not.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Woof Humor

Why Holidays Are The Greatest Thing EVER

If you’re sitting in front of your computer, groaning along the lines of, “Damn it!! Feni the GREATEST BEING EVER is not only flawless and a brilliant over-achiever, but she’s also about to gush about how she’s going on a month-long trip to Milan while I’m going to be stuck here in this stinky office cubicle for the next 30 days, trying to sneak pictures of her FABULOUS holiday onto the browser without my boss catching me,” you’re in LUCK because not only am I NOT going to go for a vacation to Milan [or anywhere else, really] in the foreseeable future, I am also going to be stuck at home.

Now, if you’re even kind of like I think you are, you must be wondering, “Well, if she isn’t going on a journey to some exotic land or the other, and is going to be held prisoner at home INSTEAD, WHY is the title titled what the title is titled [quick challenge: try saying that thirty thousand times, SUPER fast]??”

Because, my dear reader, while I DID mention that I am going to be stuck at home, I didn’t add that I am going to be stuck at home WITH Grandma and Grandpa.

You see, that last bit makes a world of a difference, because WITHOUT G&G, I would LITERALLY be STUCK here for a whole two weeks, due to the fact that Mom and Dad are ACTUALLY [and not just fantasizing about it with their blog viewers] going to Europe for about twelve days while Taylor and Kathryn are attending Summer Camp. However, WITH Grandma and Grandpa… I’m going to be the OPPOSITE of stuck. I’m going to be UNSTUCK –wait, that doesn’t sound about right.

I’m going to be INVINCIBLE!!

This is solely because I can twist G&G around my paw for just about anything. One lick and tail wag to Grandma and she’ll start making arrangements for me to dine with the Queen of England, if that’s what I really want. One long, adoring look in Grandpa’s direction and he’ll be ordering a life-time supply of Choco Royale ice cream in my name before you can say “GRANDPARENTS RULE!!”

And THIS, Dear Reader, is exactly why I am FULLY looking forward to the tenth of this month, which is when the whole family departs for their various Holiday destinations while MY Holiday comes to ME!! While they roam around sticky, humid swamps in a forest infested with Malaria-carrying mosquitoes [or, you know, air-conditioned, boutique malls], I’ll be sitting RIGHT in front of the T.V, being waited on hand and foot by the most devoted slaves anyone could ever employ. While they aimlessly wander around concrete jungles in search of Wi-Fi hotspots, I’ll be ruling the roost back at home, with all the Internet I could ever need.

Whoever coined the term “Dog’s Life” was CLEARLY NOT a dog, I can assure you.