It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Be Careful What You Wish For, Kids [Also, Don’t Do Drugs And Stuff]

It’s been able a week since Win came over and if what we were initially going through was the fabled “Honeymoon Phase,” you can bet your favorite water bowl that the magic’s worn out by now.

Don’t get me wrong; Win is as gentlemanly as hes ever been – and that’s the problem.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after years and years of being neglected and abused by my family [remember the time they bought me that tie-dye collar and made me wear it in PUBLIC?! Ew, the TORTURE!!], but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there’s such a thing as being TOO polite.

And if there’s one thing that Win certainly is, it’s too polite.

I must admit that, at first, it was GREAT. I loved it when he let me eat up all his lunch without a word and that one time he took the blame for pooping in the foyer [WHAT?? “Verbal” isn’t the only kind of diarrhea I have], I all but swooned.

But then things started to get real boring, real fast. I’m the kind of dog who adores a good debate; a Labrador who lives for a little drama. But Win is too kind to ever hit back, too gentle to cause a commotion.

Before this week, I’d always wished for a collected, composed, cool-as-a-cucumber kind of a canine to enter my life and sweep me off my paws every time I spotted a shooting star [or even when I laid eyes on a cruising airplane, if I’m being honest – hey, I’m not picky!!].

But now, I’m not so sure that’s what I want.

Maybe my melodramatic, psycho family is kinda’ perfect for me, after all.

[OhmyGOD, I can’t believe I just thought that!! My family and PERFECT?? Yeah, right. The conspiracy theorists were right, I guess – staying online for too long wacks up your brain. I’m outta’ here before I start sputtering things like “Trump might have a brain” or some such nonsense. Peace!!]

 

Ramblings · Woof Humor

Knight In Shining Armour

For the first time in the forty two long [dog] years that I’ve lived, it seems like Lady Luck might FINALLY be giving me a helping hand!!

Yes, dear reader, I am in a glorious mood today because of a number of reasons, most of them having something to do with darling little Winston [or just plain Win, as I like to call him], but I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I??

This particularly cheerful story started on a pretty sour yesterday afternoon, when my so-called “family” left me behind with Grandma J and jetted off to Paris for an exotic summer vacay. Can you BELIEVE them?? What happened to “all for one and one for all”?? What happened to “no man gets left behind”??

And they’re going to PARIS, of all places. My DREAM DESTINATION. It should be ILLEGAL for people to leave behind their precious pooches on their holiday to the gastronomic capital of the world; it really should.

As you can see, I had every right to be cross. It just wasn’t FAIR.

Little did I know that in a short span of twenty four hours, I would be rescued from this highly unsavory situation by a decidedly charming member of my own species.

I didn’t know it at the time, but a friend of Dad’s was to come stay over at our place for the duration of their French sojourn and guess what??

HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DOG!! [See?? THAT’S how family should be. Together in sickness and in health, at home and on holiday]

And Win isn’t just ANY dog. Oh, no.  He’s an adorable, purebred Labrador [just like yours truly] and he is GORGEOUS. For me, looking at him is just like looking into a mirror [a mirror that makes you skinnier and your fur glossier, but maintains the same level of FABULOUS] so it’s no WONDER that I adore his company.

Writing this update has taken away enough of my time already, time that I could’ve spent  gaily frolicking in the garden with Win. Till next time!!

Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Hypocritical, Much?

The family and I were watching a spot of TV the other day when this advert about “Camp Canine” [“it’s exactly what it sounds like; a summer camp for dogs!”] came on and, as if on cue, every single member of my family pounced on me with the same exact question; “Why can’t you be like the dogs on TV, Feni??”

The animals in question happened to be bounding across a field of some sort, their tails magically wagging in sync with their perfectly perky ears, and I couldn’t help but be taken aback by the blatant hypocrisy I was being showered with.

I mean, aren’t you guys the ones constantly complaining about the unrealistic standards celebrities set for the rest of the human population?? How supermodels with their size-zero hips and spotless faces aren’t “realistic”?? How it’s unfair that y’all are compared to overly-made-up actors and actresses??

And yet you don’t miss a beat when it comes to rating your own pet against a telly-pooch who has most definitely been caked with at least twenty different creams and lotions before filming so its fur appears all glossy for the cameras. Tell me I’m not the only one seeing the ridiculousness of the situation!!

Honestly, for such an “evolved” species, you guys have a lot of growing up to do, that’s for sure!!

It's A Dog's Life

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve!

I was casually minding my business earlier this morning when it suddenly hit me that we are four days from Christmas. FOUR DAYS!!

Are you KIDDING ME?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! WHY DIDN’T I GET THE MEMO??

I mean, I still have SO MUCH TO DO!! There are candy canes to mass order, Christmas cakes to smuggle, Netflix Holiday specials to binge-watch…

Time to get my elf on!

 

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Don’t Overstay Your Welcome

Intruder McUninvited is still camping over at my place and the situation is getting worse by the day. I mean, I have more than enough problems [try typing a sentence with paws for hands and then you can talk to me about struggle] without having to constantly guard my territory, thanks very much.

To make matters worse, the dog’s a Lassa, which is probably just code for “walking cloud” and don’t try to tell me that anyone with half a heart wouldn’t melt at the sight of THAT. Really, it’s all I can do to guard myself against succumbing to its intense cuteness while simultaneously safeguarding my turf.

It really is a dog’s life.

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Intruder Alert!

I’m TRYING to be calm about this, I really am, but this is all getting a bit too much. I’m a nice dog so I keep to myself as much as possible but this? This is really crossing the limits.

You know what they say, the more you keep quiet the more you’re taken advantage of. And isn’t that what’s happening? I’m being exploited, aren’t I? My personal space is being compromised, my territory is being infringed upon, my oxygen is being polluted, honestly, I can’t take much more of this, I just can’t-

Guess what? Just when I thought my family couldn’t POSSIBLY care any less about my needs and desires [I mean, I only get four meals a day! How do you expect me to maintain my curves if I’m being starved like this?] they go ahead and INVITE ANOTHER DOG INTO THE HOUSE!!

Can you believe them? They had the guts to tell their colleague -not even a close buddy or a blood relation, just a colleague, mind you- that we have the space at our place to babysit their pet for three entire days! While they fly to London and look after their ailing mother or some such garbage! The audacity!

What I really want to know is how on EARTH they thought this arrangement would work out. Tempting a dog into my turf and then expecting us to get along? How stupid are they, anyway?

Look what they’ve made me do; in all my frustration I’ve knocked over a glass of orangeade and stained the tablecloth quite considerably. Ugh, I’ve got to go clean up this mess.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather wash a thousand tablecloths than have to go back ad face The Other Dog, so I guess I’m not really complaining.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO

And The Reason Is Netflix

So maybe I owe y’all an apology. I mean, I DID just spring up from nowhere a week ago and avoided explaining my year-long absence like it’s the plague.

And I’m sorry if you were expecting some big, cinematic reveal but the truth is…

I was lazy.

Annnd that’s basically it. I was too comfortable lounging in front of the TV to be able to haul myself in front of a laptop and string together a few sentences.

You can blame me all you want but, in my defense, HBO is running some classy premiers nowadays and I don’t know about you, but I’m pointing my finger at Sandra Bullock.