Taylor had yet another karate exam yesterday. From her beaming smile and that oh so large certificate she was lugging around the house, I think it went well. Good for her, eh??
Anyway, I was watching a mushy Soap on the telly with Grandma G [not because I like Soaps or anything, but because… well, just because, I guess] and VOILA! we chanced upon an advertisement about BEAUTY PAGEANT TRYOUTS at the mall today!!! This is my chance to FINALLY spread my wings and prepare for take off!! Yes, if I win this thing, it will be but a stepping stone that will gradually help me thrust myself into the Broadway limelight, and from there, my life will be all about interviews with Opera, relishing cranberry Bacardi’s with Mr Craig and TONS of fan mail waiting in my inbox every morning.
So I sat between Grandma and the T.V and displayed my [alarmingly poetic] doggie eyes and she went, ‘Aww, baby you ARE hungry aren’t you??’ And for ONCE, I didn’t agree with her, because all I really wanted right then was for Grandma to find a way to sneak me [maybe in her purse. It always works in the movies] to the mall where I can strut my stuff, take home the grand prize and be on my way to HOLLYWOOD!!!!! [Though maybe I should have taken up Grandma’s offer for a bite. I am STARVING right now] Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to get it, so I rolled over [an enormously difficult task considering my gigantic belly] and let her rub my tummy, but she still didn’t understand the message that I was trying to telepathically convey.
So I decided to do what I do best [or so I thought before this disaster of a result], I wrote. Or at least I tried to. What I wanted to write was ‘Take me to the mall, Feni’ but, thanks to my incredibly padded paws [something that doesn’t seem to effect my blogging in the least] all that I really wrote was ‘Te m.. e” ll’ which, obviously, did not make sense so I chucked the paper out the window and retired to the courtyard and had a good cry. I mean, I was about to, when Trikaya [the fashion freak] said something that made my heart freeze. ‘Mum, there’s this modelling competition at Lindy center today. Could I give it a shot?? Please???’ And that’s when I blacked out.
A few hours later, I regained my consciousness and dashed out of the curled up position I was in and tore to Trikaya’s room. Thankfully, she was still there and [even MORE thankfully] she was… PUTTING ON HER SPECIAL PARTY MAKEUP!!!!!!!!! [You know, the set reserved for first dates and charming the professors for average grades and all] So I nipped back to my “room” [a.k.a my secret agent hideout/the garage] and slathered on gunk [read: The eyeliners and all that I have stolen from Trikaya over the years] that I thought would make me look more chic [but let’s face it, how can one improve my already PURRRFECT face???????].
Just as I emerged from my chamber, I heard Taylor dribbling a ball in the backyard, so I hurried over to join her [and expose my wonderfully elegant look] when I heard someone SCREAMING. [And that’s not the worst part] And then I realised that Trikaya was screaming at me. Of course, I wanted an explanation [under no circumstances is a lady allowed to scream without covering her mouth -Rule Number 2349 in Feni’s Etiquette Guide– and boy did I get one.
‘MOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! FENI HAS GONE INTO MY ROOM AND STOLEN MY MAKE-UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
The urge to correct her was remarkable. What does she mean by ‘Again’??? [Unless she knows about the my second-hand lipstick stash in my private beauty parlor] And so what?? I am her sister, right?? And sisters SHARE things. And it’s not like I don’t pay her back or anything. I give her the pleasure of my presence [which I don’t think she is too keen on nowadays] in exchange for a couple of sticks of face-beautifyiers. Fair and square, right??.
Anyway, mum didn’t pay heed to what her biological daughter said, because all she said in responce was, ‘You had better get into the car right now or this is the last time you are ever entering any competition, ever.’ [And when mum says ‘ever’ she means ‘ever’] So Trikaya mumbled something under her breath and shuffled into the automobile. And I was about to do the same when mum got a good look at me and exclaimed, ‘Good Heavens!! Taylor, hose down Feni’s… well, whatever that is on her face,’ And Taylor went, ‘Okay. Come here, girl,’ and I was, like, ‘HEY SISTAH!!!!!!! Wait a minute, the only reason I smeared my face in this is to enter the pageant, and I WILL enter if it’s the last thing I do!’ But all that came out was a sickly ‘woof.’
So Taylor picked me up with a TON of effort [well, I AM almost heavier than her…] and even though I tried to escape her clutches, she managed to haul me to the garden and put the tap on. Fortunately for me, she was a bit distracted [probably thinking about the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME OF HER LIFE that’s tomorrow [at least that’s what she calls it] and I had the chance to escape.
So I rushed to the front gate and burst out the fence and was soon racing after mum’s car [which looked like a small dot trotting into the horizon]. Surprisingly, Taylor didn’t chase after me, which is SUPER LUCKY because she has the fastest legs I have seen. [I think the only reason she didn’t come running out at once was because she must have been thinking so much about the game tomorrow that she was lost in her thoughts]
Pretty soon, I couldn’t see the sedan anymore, but because of my AMAZING MEMORY [and the dozens of sign boards scattered all over the place] I was able to locate the mall safely. And then… well, what happened next is TOO heartbreaking to write but… what has to be done has to be done so…
The watchman kicked me out because it is a no-dogs-allowed mall!!!!!!!!!! [Come to think of it, I vaguely remember reading somewhere that ALL malls don;t allow fauna… ]
And then, the worst think possible happened [not as bad as being KICKED OUT of a PUBLIC -HA!- domain bad just the same]. Mum and Trikaya appeared from inside the mall [with Trikaya gripping a sparkly trophy [about two inches long] with ‘PERSEVERANCE AWARD’ stapled on the front] which made me realize two things at once;
1] Even if I HAD managed to make it into the mall, my expedition would be as futile as it was right then, because the whole thing was already OVER and
2] If I really wanted to live till thirty, I had better RUN FOR MY LIFE!!!! [coz’ if mum saw me there, panting like a… panter and as exhausted as an… exhaust fan -no, it’s not just you. The aforementioned comparisons don’t make sense. At all- I would be DEAD MEAT]
So I gathered the rest of the stamina I had left and RAN LIKE THE WIND. And pretty soon, it was like we [mum, Trikaya and I]were doing stand-up comedy for the whole town, because people stared staring and pointing and I guess it would have been pretty funny but HELLO??? They are totally disobeying my guidebook to social manners which clearly states on page number 4876 that you cannot, under ANY circumstances, laugh and point at people running after their dog [okay, I just made that one up].
Well, once we got home, Taylor was punished for not taking responsibility of me while mum and Trikaya were away and [get this] I was ALSO penalized for robbing Trikaya of all her Maybelline products and getting out of the house.
That’s why I am NEVER EVER going to watch T.V EVER again. Period.