It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Hiatus

This blog is slowly turning into more than just a blog for me.

It’s becoming a source of life.

Not only does it let me meet and interact with YOU, my lovely subscribers [ha! Like anyone’s going to believe I have more than 4 followers, anyway], it also gives me the chance to pour out my deepest thoughts, uncork my buzzing mind and just let loose for a while.

It allows me to be heard. Do you know how rare that is nowadays [for dogs and -increasingly- humans, too]??

And I find myself becoming obsessed. Not wanting, but NEEDING to be on here, either with a post to add to the archives or to just re-read my old writings or even to browse through my non-existent notifications.

And it’s scary.

Because it means that I am dependant not just on Mom [who else is gonna’ cater to my stomach’s needs??] and Pedigree [who else is going to be catered to my stomach??] and Modern Family [what else am I gonna’ binge-watch on Lazy Saturday], but a slice of cyberspace as well?? Are you serious??

Which is why I’ve decided that a break is well overdue. Ever since I started this thing up just over 2 years ago, I have worked consistently and regularly and come up with posts on a weekly basis which is a big deal, especially if you take into consideration how I need to sneak about to get my hands on the computer and the large risk I face every time I do [being a Labrador is not so easy, ya’ know].

Also, I have to admit that 1D taking a break is kind of where I got the inspiration from so shoutout to those guys [I’m giving them a shoutout?? This is beyond pathetic].

So… I guess this is goodbye.

 

See you in December 😀

Take TWO

You Don’t Think…

What if, even after spending TEN WHOLE DAYS in the City of Gifts [isn’t that what Singapore is also known as?? Probably not. Hey, I’m a DOG. It’s a blistering miracle I can even spell Singapore, forget know all of its nicknames!!], my family comes home empty-handed.

After all those Polaroids and all that anger, what if they return without a single souvenir for their precious pooch??

I mean, they WON’T. Obviously. However many times they’ve left me to fend for myself at home while they trotted across the globe, they’ve never not brought back something for me.

But there’s always a first.

It’d probably be a good idea to stop depressing myself with thoughts like these before I break another one of their antiques in the name of revenge [I lost count after the authentic didgeridoo I smashed against the kitchen wall].

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Thoughts

A Quick Thought

My human sister is turning 14 in ten days.

What?? That’s it. The title demanded a thought, and I provided you with one. I can’t be funny ALL the time, y’know.

And just because I am a saint and insist on leaving my clamouring fans a.k.a you with a moral after each post [not really], let that be today’s lesson; even comediennes are unfunny on bad days.

Peace.

Woof Humor

The Fifty-Seventh Speck

[I know I’ve said this before, but…]

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I went for a walk with the family last evening, and… and… AND I AM GOING TO MURDER THEM!!!!!!!! WITH MY BARE PAWS!!!!!!!!!! CRACK THEIR SKULLS AND LAUGH AS THE BLOOD GUSHES OUT. SKEWER THEIR EYEBALLS AND EAT IT ALONG WITH THEIR INTERSTINES… I AM GOING TO SUE THEM IN THE MAERICAN COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calm down, Feni. No need to panic. All they did was…

I’LL KILL THEM!!!!!!

Uncategorized

The Thirty-First Entry

I was surfing Google and typing out all the swear words I know just to see where I would end up [relax. The worst curse I know is “crap”. And that isn’t even a bad word] when BAZINGA!! [yes, I am a Sheldon Cooper wannabe] I got this brilliant idea to search for MY name on Google: Images.

The results were nothing short of depressing. Apart from image number 2905, there was absolutely NO SIGN of me. Not AT ALL.

Apparently there is this cashew flavored, alcoholic drink that is ALSO known as Fenny that grows in Goa [Goa= some weird state in India. India= Go check your atlas dummy -don’t blame me about my pathetic Geography. It’s the teacher’s fault-]… When I typed Feni” in the search bar, all I got was pictures of bottles and cups with Fenny.

Today was the dismal day when I figured out that a tangy-tasting liquor that hasn’t been sipped outside a rural state in the Indian subcontinent is more popular than me.

That was the bad part. The good part was that the one pic I found?? Well, it is SO super-cute, I had the urge to bite the screen off. Here, I pasted it below: [Warming: Before you glance the selfie of Feni [that’s me!], pour a disgusting liquid that doesn’t taste good -yes, any of the prescribed medicines will do- so that you will be able to battle the sudden emotion that will take over your body and command you to bite the screen]

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go!

Well, what do you have to say?? I know, you’re probably still recovering from the major shock of actually seeing something so absolutely beautiful. I’ll give you some time to get back to your normal state.

Ah, that’s better. You’re looking fine now. Anyway, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps after the startling revelation that rural alcohol is more famous than I am, so, when mum wasn’t looking, I swiped her new Sony Cybershot and had a good look at all the pictures of myself. Here is the one I liked the best:

 Click for pic!! [

Just FYI, that is NOT a yawn. I was… I was… barking. Yes, that’s what I was doing. So don’t start tweeting your pals about how lazy I am. Because, guess what?? I’m NOT. Maybe I AM the only dog on the block who is asleep more than I’m awake [ratio= 9:1] but hat doesn’t necessarily means I’m LAZY. Maybe I have worked so hard in my previous life that I need a good break NOW.

Anyway,

it looks like I’ve got to go. I want to… um, water the garden. Ta ta!! [For those of you who DON’T “get it” when some one lies through their teeth, I’ll let you in on it. “Watering the garden” is code for “Night night!”]

Uncategorized

The Thirtieth Shortie

This post is bound to be real short. Mum and dad have nipped over to the grocers and I have taken this opportunity to dash of another post. I know I have been neglecting you, Dear Blog, these past few days, but I have to say, being a Labrador with two overprotective sisters AND a fury for writing SO isn’t easy. Be that as it may, though, I can’t seem to forgive myself about my pathetic blogging frequency. So I scavenged YouTube and have finally, after a lot of pondering [more like five seconds of musing] have come up with FENI’S LIST OF THE FUNNIEST YouTube VIDEOS THAT WRAP UP IN UNDER FIVE MINUTES. And here they are: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=EOfy5LDpEHo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=cx2K0VBIQE4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=JMJXvsCLu6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Rp30_gF1GcY

[Sorry, couldn’t actually put the videos -except for the links- because 1] in too much of a hurry, mum and dad may be back any second and 2] wow, you need to have attended an MIT course to figure out how to post a video on this thing!!]

Hope you liked it!! Take the poll to figure out whether there are other readers out there who share the same opinions on stuff that matter [like spending days on end watching YouTube videos]!!

Uncategorized

The Twenty-Ninth Page [And Why I Hate The Telly]

Taylor had yet another karate exam yesterday. From her beaming smile and that oh so large certificate she was lugging around the house, I think it went well. Good for her, eh??

Anyway, I was watching a mushy Soap on the telly with Grandma G [not because I like Soaps or anything, but because… well, just because, I guess] and VOILA! we chanced upon an advertisement about BEAUTY PAGEANT TRYOUTS at the mall today!!! This is my chance to FINALLY spread my wings and prepare for take off!! Yes, if I win this thing, it will be but a stepping stone that will gradually help me thrust myself into the Broadway limelight, and from there, my life will be all about interviews with Opera, relishing cranberry Bacardi’s with Mr Craig and TONS of fan mail waiting in my inbox every morning.

So I sat between Grandma and the T.V and displayed my [alarmingly poetic] doggie eyes and she went, ‘Aww, baby you ARE hungry aren’t you??’ And for ONCE, I didn’t agree with her, because all I really wanted right then was for Grandma to find a way to sneak me [maybe in her purse. It always works in the movies] to the mall where I can strut my stuff, take home the grand prize and be on my way to HOLLYWOOD!!!!! [Though maybe I should have taken up Grandma’s offer for a bite. I am STARVING right now] Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to get it, so I rolled over [an enormously difficult task considering my gigantic belly] and let her rub my tummy, but she still didn’t understand the message that I was trying to telepathically convey.

So I decided to do what I do best [or so I thought before this disaster of a result], I wrote. Or at least I tried to. What I wanted to write was ‘Take me to the mall, Feni’ but, thanks to my incredibly padded paws [something that doesn’t seem to effect my blogging in the least] all that I really wrote was ‘Te m.. e” ll’ which, obviously, did not make sense so I chucked the paper out the window and retired to the courtyard and had a good cry. I mean, I was about to, when Trikaya [the fashion freak] said something that made my heart freeze. ‘Mum, there’s this modelling competition at Lindy center today. Could I give it a shot?? Please???’ And that’s when I blacked out.

A few hours later, I regained my consciousness and dashed out of the curled up position I was in and tore to Trikaya’s room. Thankfully, she was still there and [even MORE thankfully] she was… PUTTING ON HER SPECIAL PARTY MAKEUP!!!!!!!!! [You know, the set reserved for first dates and charming the professors for average grades and all] So I nipped back to my “room” [a.k.a my secret agent hideout/the garage] and slathered on gunk [read: The eyeliners and all that I have stolen from Trikaya over the years] that I thought would make me look more chic [but let’s face it, how can one improve my already PURRRFECT face???????].

Just as I emerged from my chamber, I heard Taylor dribbling a ball in the backyard, so I hurried over to join her [and expose my wonderfully elegant look] when I heard someone SCREAMING. [And that’s not the worst part] And then I realised that Trikaya was screaming at me. Of course, I wanted an explanation [under no circumstances is a lady allowed to scream without covering her mouth -Rule Number 2349 in Feni’s Etiquette Guide– and boy did I get one.

‘MOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! FENI HAS GONE INTO MY ROOM AND STOLEN MY MAKE-UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

The urge to correct her was remarkable. What does she mean by ‘Again’??? [Unless she knows about the my second-hand lipstick stash in my private beauty parlor] And so what?? I am her sister, right?? And sisters SHARE things. And it’s not like I don’t pay her back or anything. I give her the pleasure of my presence [which I don’t think she is too keen on nowadays] in exchange for a couple of sticks of face-beautifyiers. Fair and square, right??. 

Anyway, mum didn’t pay heed to what her biological daughter said, because all she said in responce was, ‘You had better get into the car right now or this is the last time you are ever entering any competition, ever.’ [And when mum says ‘ever’ she means ‘ever’] So Trikaya mumbled something under her breath and shuffled into the automobile. And I was about to do the same when mum got a good look at me and exclaimed, ‘Good Heavens!! Taylor, hose down Feni’s… well, whatever that is on her face,’ And Taylor went, ‘Okay. Come here, girl,’ and I was, like, ‘HEY SISTAH!!!!!!! Wait a minute, the only reason I smeared my face in this is to enter the pageant, and I WILL enter if it’s the last thing I do!’ But all that came out was a sickly ‘woof.’

So Taylor picked me up with a TON of effort [well, I AM almost heavier than her…] and even though I tried to escape her clutches, she managed to haul me to the garden and put the tap on. Fortunately for me, she was a bit distracted [probably thinking about the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME OF HER LIFE that’s tomorrow [at least that’s what she calls it] and I had the chance to escape.

So I rushed to the front gate and burst out the fence and was soon racing after mum’s car [which looked like a small dot trotting into the horizon]. Surprisingly, Taylor didn’t chase after me, which is SUPER LUCKY because she has the fastest legs I have seen. [I think the only reason she didn’t come running out at once was because she must have been thinking so much about the game tomorrow that she was lost in her thoughts] 

Pretty soon, I couldn’t see the sedan anymore, but because of my AMAZING MEMORY [and the dozens of sign boards scattered all over the place] I was able to locate the mall safely. And then… well, what happened next is TOO heartbreaking to write but… what has to be done has to be done so…

The watchman kicked me out because it is a no-dogs-allowed mall!!!!!!!!!! [Come to think of it, I vaguely remember reading somewhere that ALL malls don;t allow fauna… ]

And then, the worst think possible happened [not as bad as being KICKED OUT of a PUBLIC -HA!- domain bad just the same]. Mum and Trikaya appeared from inside the mall [with Trikaya gripping a sparkly trophy [about two inches long] with ‘PERSEVERANCE AWARD’ stapled on the front] which made me realize two things at once;

1] Even if I HAD managed to make it into the mall, my expedition would be as futile as it was right then, because the whole thing was already OVER and

2] If I really wanted to live till thirty, I had better RUN FOR MY LIFE!!!! [coz’ if mum saw me there, panting like a… panter and as exhausted as an… exhaust fan -no, it’s not just you. The aforementioned comparisons don’t make sense. At all- I would be DEAD MEAT]

So I gathered the rest of the stamina I had left and RAN LIKE THE WIND. And pretty soon, it was like we [mum, Trikaya and I]were doing stand-up comedy for the whole town, because people stared staring and pointing and I guess it would have been pretty funny but HELLO??? They are totally disobeying my guidebook to social manners which clearly states on page number 4876 that you cannot, under ANY circumstances, laugh and point at people running after their dog [okay, I just made that one up].

Well, once we got home, Taylor was punished for not taking responsibility of me while mum and Trikaya were away and [get this] I was ALSO penalized for robbing Trikaya of all her Maybelline products and getting out of the house.

That’s why I am NEVER EVER going to watch T.V EVER again. Period.