It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

April Fools

The only thing worse than being pranked on April 1st is NOT being pranked on April 1st. Trust me when I say this, because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.

Last year, [you know, when I first tried a hand at fooling unsuspecting blog viewers] even though I didn’t really tell you about it [because of sheer embarrassment], I got pranked at least two DOZEN times by my siblings. In a single day.

And I don’t mean that I was made to look like an utter MORON because of really impressive hoaxes, like taping my entire room [well, if I had one] with newspaper cuttings or converting my entire room [well, if I had one] into a toilet.

No no no.

APPARENTLY, my BELOVED sisters [sarcasm intended], decided that if they were going to ROYALLY fool me on April 1st [like, who even falls for anything on APRIL FOOLS anymore?? It’s not like the media DOESN’T constantly keep reminding us about it from January 1st], they wouldn’t even make me feel a little better about looking like a complete ASS by crafting such a brilliant scheme that ANYONE would have fallen for it. Of COURSE not.

Instead, I was moronified [Is that even a word?? Moronif- Well, it is one now] by totally USELESS and PATHETIC jokes like Whoopee cushions and the whole “my-cat-is-so-charming-she-keeps-chasing-the-laser-point-I-continuously-flash-on-the-carpet-because-I-am-a-jerk” thing [except, y’know, I’m a DOG and all].

Like, are you freaking KIDDING me?? Laughing because it seems like your dog has farted even though you know perfectly well that the sound was produced by the inflated balloon you placed under her rear end is SO amateur hour [though, to be fair, I was managing the sound effects on my own most of the time… If you know what I mean].

So that was my situation last year. 2014 [Granolabar, that seems like SUCH a long time ago].

This year?? A WHOLE different story.

This year, my siblings didn’t even think I was worth the cheap laughs. Prodding a store-bought farterizer [PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S A WORD] under my butt for some light entertainment?? Nah, too much trouble. This year, they didn’t even flash a red dot in front of my face and tempt me to chase it down the hall [and then proceed to upload the whole thing on YouTube, obviously]. This year, they didn’t even wake me up with a rain of ice.

This year, I was completely ignored.

And let me tell you, it felt like [BEEP!!].

I woke up as usual, ate breakfast as usual, did my morning business –ahem- as usual, slept as usual, hogged on my lunchtime kibble as usual, slept some more as usual, refused to go for my walk as usual, lustfully watched the family gorge a kind-sized box of Cinnabons as usual, had dinner as usual and finally, with a heavy heart, go to bed as usual.

And the WHOLE [BEEP!!]ING time, I kept thinking to myself, Ok, it’s going to happen any minute now… They’re going to pull a FANTASTIC one on me ANY SECOND NOW… I’m going to make an idiot of myself on a global website ANY NANOSECOND NOW…

But it never came. That minute/second/nanosecond never came.

A year ago, I would have been super relieved if only my sisters quit humiliating themselves with such inadequate practical jokes [a dog can only get excited about a random bone on the floor and then be shot in the butt with a dart after approaching it -and then be forced to take the whole thing good-humouredly- so many times]. But this time around, I found myself CRAVING for them to mix so much as a DROP of Tabasco sauce into my meals.

So I guess the moral of the story is, guys, be grateful for what you have. Your sisters may be annoying as heck and you might just be considering sitting on their faces while they sleep [or maybe that’s just me], but you never know what you’re going to miss their attention.

Also, try not to get pissed when someone pranks you [especially on April Fools]. Take it as a sign that they care about you so much that they went to such elaborate lengths just to add a little humor into your life.

Unless they screw with your food. In that case…

Get ‘em gooood.

Woof Humor

The Sixty-Sixth Nibble

I am going to faint from a panic overdose any moment now!!!!!!!!!!!! The most SURREAL thing happened to me today. It’s probably best that I narrate this incident from the beginning, so…

I was innocently sitting on the front porch, waiting for something [ANYTHING] to happen when Mum walked up to me, patted my head and sat down. ‘Feni, you know that you’re a very special dog, don’t you??’ She mumbled, ruffling my fur. I had no idea what I was supposed to do right then. Obviously, I couldn’t nod my head or anything, I’m not supposed to have understood what she said. But I couldn’t just SIT there, either.

Thankfully, Mum solved my dilemma by calmly saying, ‘It’s OK Feni, I know you can talk,’

That’s all it took to freeze my blood, one simple sentence. Thousands of thoughts went bursting through my mind in the seconds that followed Mum’s confession. SHE KNEW?????? WHAT THE HONEY SANDWICHES???????????

Who else was aware of the fact that I’m a talking Labrador?? And *Gasp!!* do they know about my BLOG?????????

‘Um… Hey Mum,’ I rasped, surprised at how easily the words flowed out my mouth. ‘Feni, I wish I could… I wish I could keep you here with us, but…’ Mum looked away, blinking back the tears that were sprinkling themselves out of her eyes.

‘But what, Mum??’ I asked, puzzled at how she didn’t even seem a teensy weensy bit taken aback at my voice, which she hasn’t heard in, like, FOREVER [SO not an exaggeration].

‘Feni… You… Your real parents are coming over this evening. They want to… To take you back. To them,’ She sniffled, blowing her nose into a hanky. ‘Wait… WHAT??’ I asked, completely lost. ‘I have… REAL parents??’

-In hindsight, that question was probably the dumbest set of words ever uttered from the mouth of a dog-

‘Yeah. And they’re… They’re human,’ She informed, looking me straight in the eye. ‘Eh?? I have HUMAN parents??’ I questioned, shaking my head. What was I?? A science experiment gone wrong??????

‘You see, your REAL body…’

OK, the imaginative part of my brain has done enough work for today, so let me cut to the chase and say,

YOU GOT PUNK’D!!!!! [Well, not REALLY]

Happy April Fools, Dear Reader, now you can honestly tell your pals that you got royally pranked!!!!! [By a DOG!!!]