I like to think of myself as a no-frills kind of dog. I don’t ask for toys or chews or premium kibble. I don’t even remember the last time I hinted to Mom that I needed to go out and -well- relieve myself [which, granted, is mainly because I’ve started peeing behind the sofa in the study but whatever. What Mom doesn’t know won’t kill her].
And, sure, I sometimes throw a bit of a tantrum when my birthday/Christmas/any-festival-to-be-honest present hauls turn out to be measly, but apart from that, I’m an angel. Honestly, dogs like me don’t come along very often.
I don’t ask for fancy collars of gourmet biscuits; silk baskets or a robot assistant [OK, I might have asked for THAT last Christmas but I didn’t really mean it. And OK, maybe I refused to look at Mom and Dad for the next few weeks after I learned that they hadn’t gifted me one, but I was only joking. Obviously]; custom-made, YSL Halloween costumes or animal-friendly karaoke systems…
The one thing I DO ask for, however, the one thing I DEMAND, is being served my food on time.
That’s all I want.
And am I granted that common courtesy?? Does my so-called “family” do the one thing, the ONE thing, I beg them to do??
The answer is a exasperatingly loud and clear NO. No, they do not. They do not serve me my food before I am reduced to shimmying on the floor as a sort of “will-dance-for-food” routine. They do not bother feeding me until I have already starved half to death. It is mortifying and degrading and I do not appreciate it one bit.
Honestly, if I ever write an autobiography, copyright had better not stop me from titling it “The Hunger Games.” It had better not.
They’re back!! And they bought me heaps of presents!! And I’m oh so relieved!!
To be honest, calling it a “heap” is a bit of an understatement; what they brought back for me is kind of like a toy factory, Pedigree-manufacturing unit and souvenir store all rolled in one!!
And that [believe it or not] isn’t even the best part. From the moment the girls entered the front door, they’ve been fussing and crying all over me, repeatedly proclaiming that they “missed me more than they miss waiting eagerly for the next Harry Potter” [which, I can assure you, is a compliment of the highest order -of the Phoenix- see what I did there??].
Really, it’s a wonder they left my side long enough for me to be able to dash off this post.
Ah, speak of the devil. If I’m not mistaken, they’re calling me downstairs for dinner [yum]. I’m COMING!!
If wishes were horses, would horses have wings??
[Just a little mindbuster to get those brain juices flowing. Good morning!!]
My wacko family has been acting really weird lately [even more so than usual, which is saying a lot]. Like they have some sort of secret plan to smuggle me to Rome and sell me fur to Italian drug dealers [what??].
I’m telling you, something’s going on, and I’ll bet my Uncle Ginger’s eyeball [the good one] that it’s got something to do with me. Hopefully, this is just me being egoistic and not the warning signs of a scheme to give me up for adoption to a muggle-born witch to keep as her pet companion when her drug-dealing husband goes out in search of innocent dogs to de-fur [WHAT??].
Taylor turned 14 today and the only reasons this affects me in the least are;
- Like it or not, she’s my -well- sister and I was forced by my conscience [WHY do have to be such a decent
person dog??] to be extra-nice to her today [i.e, NOT burp in her face when she bends down to pet me].
- Birthdays ALWAYS mean cake and cake ALWAYS means guests and guests ALWAYS leave Mom distracted and Mom being distracted ALWAYS means I can snatch a couple mouthfuls of the aforementioned cake when nobody’s looking.
Also, general festivity ALWAYS makes me happy so win-win 😀
I just want to take a moment to truly thank and give a well-deserved shout out to something without which this blog would have become INCREDIBLY popular [no, you didn’t read that wrong]; My Randomness.
I am not joking.
If you want proof of the fact that I am hands-down, THE most absurdly random person on the planet; check out my previous post. [Here, I’ll even provide a handy link] Read it once. Read it twice. It doesn’t really matter as long as you understand the pattern. As long as you decipher the little twists and turns my brain took as it formulated the post. As long as you are able to crack the code and figure out what I’m going to write before you read it,
Got it?? Got the sequence?? Are you sure?? 100%?? ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN??
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOW A CERTIFIED LIAR!!
The truth is, there isn’t any system. There’s no pattern, no design. I just type whatever gobbledygook finds itself in my brain at that point of time and THAT, Dear Blog Chancer-Uponer, is the fastest and most effective way to get rid of readers.
You’re welcome ❤