It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Be Careful What You Wish For, Kids [Also, Don’t Do Drugs And Stuff]

It’s been able a week since Win came over and if what we were initially going through was the fabled “Honeymoon Phase,” you can bet your favorite water bowl that the magic’s worn out by now.

Don’t get me wrong; Win is as gentlemanly as hes ever been – and that’s the problem.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after years and years of being neglected and abused by my family [remember the time they bought me that tie-dye collar and made me wear it in PUBLIC?! Ew, the TORTURE!!], but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there’s such a thing as being TOO polite.

And if there’s one thing that Win certainly is, it’s too polite.

I must admit that, at first, it was GREAT. I loved it when he let me eat up all his lunch without a word and that one time he took the blame for pooping in the foyer [WHAT?? “Verbal” isn’t the only kind of diarrhea I have], I all but swooned.

But then things started to get real boring, real fast. I’m the kind of dog who adores a good debate; a Labrador who lives for a little drama. But Win is too kind to ever hit back, too gentle to cause a commotion.

Before this week, I’d always wished for a collected, composed, cool-as-a-cucumber kind of a canine to enter my life and sweep me off my paws every time I spotted a shooting star [or even when I laid eyes on a cruising airplane, if I’m being honest – hey, I’m not picky!!].

But now, I’m not so sure that’s what I want.

Maybe my melodramatic, psycho family is kinda’ perfect for me, after all.

[OhmyGOD, I can’t believe I just thought that!! My family and PERFECT?? Yeah, right. The conspiracy theorists were right, I guess – staying online for too long wacks up your brain. I’m outta’ here before I start sputtering things like “Trump might have a brain” or some such nonsense. Peace!!]

 

Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Hypocritical, Much?

The family and I were watching a spot of TV the other day when this advert about “Camp Canine” [“it’s exactly what it sounds like; a summer camp for dogs!”] came on and, as if on cue, every single member of my family pounced on me with the same exact question; “Why can’t you be like the dogs on TV, Feni??”

The animals in question happened to be bounding across a field of some sort, their tails magically wagging in sync with their perfectly perky ears, and I couldn’t help but be taken aback by the blatant hypocrisy I was being showered with.

I mean, aren’t you guys the ones constantly complaining about the unrealistic standards celebrities set for the rest of the human population?? How supermodels with their size-zero hips and spotless faces aren’t “realistic”?? How it’s unfair that y’all are compared to overly-made-up actors and actresses??

And yet you don’t miss a beat when it comes to rating your own pet against a telly-pooch who has most definitely been caked with at least twenty different creams and lotions before filming so its fur appears all glossy for the cameras. Tell me I’m not the only one seeing the ridiculousness of the situation!!

Honestly, for such an “evolved” species, you guys have a lot of growing up to do, that’s for sure!!

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Thoughts

A Quick Thought

My human sister is turning 14 in ten days.

What?? That’s it. The title demanded a thought, and I provided you with one. I can’t be funny ALL the time, y’know.

And just because I am a saint and insist on leaving my clamouring fans a.k.a you with a moral after each post [not really], let that be today’s lesson; even comediennes are unfunny on bad days.

Peace.

Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Twinsies

It has just occurred to me that Hermione Jean Granger [yes, THE phenomenally intelligent and FABULOUS Hermione Jean Granger from the Harry Potter franchise] could potentially, just about, maybe, kind of be my TWIN SISTER!! YES!!

Like, what do we NOT have in common?? Well, except for the fact that I am a -you know- DOG and she is a -you know- human being and all.

Except for that.

I mean. it’s not like I don’t absolutely ADORE her already, and don’t twin sisters do that?? Unconditionally love each other, I mean. All stable relationships are based on mutual adoration, and I’m 100% sure that once she sets her GORGEOUS auburn eyes on my being, her heart will melt and her brain will go wonky and it will be LOVE at first sight.

Here are the reasons we are TOTALLY long-lost twin sisters:

1. We’re both female [and, OK, I’m a bitch and she’s a witch -SEE?? WE EVEN RHYME!!- and that’s probably a deal-breaker in most twin-verification-cases or whatever, but we’re MAGIC, remember?? ANYTHING is possible when you’re magic]

2. We’re both CRAZY for Ron Weasley [although I’m more of a fangirl and she’s more of his wife]

3. We’re both 25 years old [At least I will be. In another 20 years]

4. We both go gaga over Krispy Kreme [She hasn’t really MENTIONED how she’s totally besotted with KK, but I KNOW -thanks to how our brains are telepathically linked and I can hear her innermost thoughts and feelings- that she loves nothing more than sinking her flawless incisors into 6-inches of sugary, bread with a hole]

5. We… Um… Like, Hermy and I…

OK, so that’s all I can come up with, but 4 solid points right off the bat is NOTHING to be ashamed of. This life-changing revelation barely hit me a 20 minutes ago and I already have proof to back it up??

Well done, doggy. Well done.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

April Fools

The only thing worse than being pranked on April 1st is NOT being pranked on April 1st. Trust me when I say this, because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.

Last year, [you know, when I first tried a hand at fooling unsuspecting blog viewers] even though I didn’t really tell you about it [because of sheer embarrassment], I got pranked at least two DOZEN times by my siblings. In a single day.

And I don’t mean that I was made to look like an utter MORON because of really impressive hoaxes, like taping my entire room [well, if I had one] with newspaper cuttings or converting my entire room [well, if I had one] into a toilet.

No no no.

APPARENTLY, my BELOVED sisters [sarcasm intended], decided that if they were going to ROYALLY fool me on April 1st [like, who even falls for anything on APRIL FOOLS anymore?? It’s not like the media DOESN’T constantly keep reminding us about it from January 1st], they wouldn’t even make me feel a little better about looking like a complete ASS by crafting such a brilliant scheme that ANYONE would have fallen for it. Of COURSE not.

Instead, I was moronified [Is that even a word?? Moronif- Well, it is one now] by totally USELESS and PATHETIC jokes like Whoopee cushions and the whole “my-cat-is-so-charming-she-keeps-chasing-the-laser-point-I-continuously-flash-on-the-carpet-because-I-am-a-jerk” thing [except, y’know, I’m a DOG and all].

Like, are you freaking KIDDING me?? Laughing because it seems like your dog has farted even though you know perfectly well that the sound was produced by the inflated balloon you placed under her rear end is SO amateur hour [though, to be fair, I was managing the sound effects on my own most of the time… If you know what I mean].

So that was my situation last year. 2014 [Granolabar, that seems like SUCH a long time ago].

This year?? A WHOLE different story.

This year, my siblings didn’t even think I was worth the cheap laughs. Prodding a store-bought farterizer [PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S A WORD] under my butt for some light entertainment?? Nah, too much trouble. This year, they didn’t even flash a red dot in front of my face and tempt me to chase it down the hall [and then proceed to upload the whole thing on YouTube, obviously]. This year, they didn’t even wake me up with a rain of ice.

This year, I was completely ignored.

And let me tell you, it felt like [BEEP!!].

I woke up as usual, ate breakfast as usual, did my morning business –ahem- as usual, slept as usual, hogged on my lunchtime kibble as usual, slept some more as usual, refused to go for my walk as usual, lustfully watched the family gorge a kind-sized box of Cinnabons as usual, had dinner as usual and finally, with a heavy heart, go to bed as usual.

And the WHOLE [BEEP!!]ING time, I kept thinking to myself, Ok, it’s going to happen any minute now… They’re going to pull a FANTASTIC one on me ANY SECOND NOW… I’m going to make an idiot of myself on a global website ANY NANOSECOND NOW…

But it never came. That minute/second/nanosecond never came.

A year ago, I would have been super relieved if only my sisters quit humiliating themselves with such inadequate practical jokes [a dog can only get excited about a random bone on the floor and then be shot in the butt with a dart after approaching it -and then be forced to take the whole thing good-humouredly- so many times]. But this time around, I found myself CRAVING for them to mix so much as a DROP of Tabasco sauce into my meals.

So I guess the moral of the story is, guys, be grateful for what you have. Your sisters may be annoying as heck and you might just be considering sitting on their faces while they sleep [or maybe that’s just me], but you never know what you’re going to miss their attention.

Also, try not to get pissed when someone pranks you [especially on April Fools]. Take it as a sign that they care about you so much that they went to such elaborate lengths just to add a little humor into your life.

Unless they screw with your food. In that case…

Get ‘em gooood.