It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Be Careful What You Wish For, Kids [Also, Don’t Do Drugs And Stuff]

It’s been able a week since Win came over and if what we were initially going through was the fabled “Honeymoon Phase,” you can bet your favorite water bowl that the magic’s worn out by now.

Don’t get me wrong; Win is as gentlemanly as hes ever been – and that’s the problem.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after years and years of being neglected and abused by my family [remember the time they bought me that tie-dye collar and made me wear it in PUBLIC?! Ew, the TORTURE!!], but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there’s such a thing as being TOO polite.

And if there’s one thing that Win certainly is, it’s too polite.

I must admit that, at first, it was GREAT. I loved it when he let me eat up all his lunch without a word and that one time he took the blame for pooping in the foyer [WHAT?? “Verbal” isn’t the only kind of diarrhea I have], I all but swooned.

But then things started to get real boring, real fast. I’m the kind of dog who adores a good debate; a Labrador who lives for a little drama. But Win is too kind to ever hit back, too gentle to cause a commotion.

Before this week, I’d always wished for a collected, composed, cool-as-a-cucumber kind of a canine to enter my life and sweep me off my paws every time I spotted a shooting star [or even when I laid eyes on a cruising airplane, if I’m being honest – hey, I’m not picky!!].

But now, I’m not so sure that’s what I want.

Maybe my melodramatic, psycho family is kinda’ perfect for me, after all.

[OhmyGOD, I can’t believe I just thought that!! My family and PERFECT?? Yeah, right. The conspiracy theorists were right, I guess – staying online for too long wacks up your brain. I’m outta’ here before I start sputtering things like “Trump might have a brain” or some such nonsense. Peace!!]

 

Ramblings · Woof Humor

Knight In Shining Armour

For the first time in the forty two long [dog] years that I’ve lived, it seems like Lady Luck might FINALLY be giving me a helping hand!!

Yes, dear reader, I am in a glorious mood today because of a number of reasons, most of them having something to do with darling little Winston [or just plain Win, as I like to call him], but I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I??

This particularly cheerful story started on a pretty sour yesterday afternoon, when my so-called “family” left me behind with Grandma J and jetted off to Paris for an exotic summer vacay. Can you BELIEVE them?? What happened to “all for one and one for all”?? What happened to “no man gets left behind”??

And they’re going to PARIS, of all places. My DREAM DESTINATION. It should be ILLEGAL for people to leave behind their precious pooches on their holiday to the gastronomic capital of the world; it really should.

As you can see, I had every right to be cross. It just wasn’t FAIR.

Little did I know that in a short span of twenty four hours, I would be rescued from this highly unsavory situation by a decidedly charming member of my own species.

I didn’t know it at the time, but a friend of Dad’s was to come stay over at our place for the duration of their French sojourn and guess what??

HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS DOG!! [See?? THAT’S how family should be. Together in sickness and in health, at home and on holiday]

And Win isn’t just ANY dog. Oh, no.  He’s an adorable, purebred Labrador [just like yours truly] and he is GORGEOUS. For me, looking at him is just like looking into a mirror [a mirror that makes you skinnier and your fur glossier, but maintains the same level of FABULOUS] so it’s no WONDER that I adore his company.

Writing this update has taken away enough of my time already, time that I could’ve spent  gaily frolicking in the garden with Win. Till next time!!

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO

And The Reason Is Netflix

So maybe I owe y’all an apology. I mean, I DID just spring up from nowhere a week ago and avoided explaining my year-long absence like it’s the plague.

And I’m sorry if you were expecting some big, cinematic reveal but the truth is…

I was lazy.

Annnd that’s basically it. I was too comfortable lounging in front of the TV to be able to haul myself in front of a laptop and string together a few sentences.

You can blame me all you want but, in my defense, HBO is running some classy premiers nowadays and I don’t know about you, but I’m pointing my finger at Sandra Bullock.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Health Advisory

The family is going for yet ANOTHER foreign holiday. To SINGAPORE [which, by the way, just so happens to be my ultimate favorite destination EVER -and I know I said that about Thailand and Italy and Dubai and all, but I REALLY mean it this time].

This brings up many questions and concerns that I need to notify them about, such as;

  1. Isn’t it illegal in the United States of America to travel out of the country for a vacation WITHOUT your dog [if it isn’t illegal, then isn’t it about time it SHOULD be]??
  2. They’ve been for 4 foreign trips in 1 week [or something like that], not to mention the numerous domestic journeys they’ve made in the past month. Isn’t it unhealthy to be travelling so much?? I mean, haven’t they read that article in -um- British Vogue about how excessive exposure to the -ahem- radiation in aeroplanes causes -cough- Klonberitis?? Hello?? How IGNORANT could you GET?? Am I the only one in this darn family who cares about staying safe from atmospheric radiation??
  3. They’re just going around recklessly spending all that moolah that I am going to need for much greater uses in a few years time [such as hiring 71 bodyguards to protect me from from my legions of fans -not to mention the hounding paparazzi- who will be desperate to catch a glimpse of me, their ruler -hey, being a blogging dog is kind of a rare thing!!]

Do you need more reasons why Mom and Dad should either 1. NOT go to Singapore or 2. Go to Singapore WITH ME?? Because, let me assure you, I’ve got TONS.

Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Lightbulb!!

It has just occurred to me that the only reason humans claim that delicacies like chocolate and cake and chocolate cake are “bad” for animals is because they want to have it all to themselves!!

Think about it; when has something so bad ever felt so good [yes, I am using Krypteria lyrics to describe cake and that should give you an idea of how strongly I feel about this issue]?? Sure, there’s drugs and cigarettes and Netflix-binges. But have ANY of them ever felt as great as it feels to just sink your teeth into a red velvet cupcake [especially when you’re starving]??

I think not.

Which makes it all the more PREPOSTEROUS that humans have turned them into a sort of forbidden fruit for the rest of us. I mean, the only way I can get a taste of Mom’s famous moist chocolate cake is by grabbing the odd bite here and there from other people’s plates. Not that do that, or anything. I’m just saying that that’s the kind of stunt we, as animals, have to pull-off just to get our tummies filled.

Which, just FYI, TOTALLY sucks.

Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

…Annnd They’re Gone!!

Status Report: Mom and Dad are officially out of the house!! YAHOO!!

I am finally free to do all the CRAZY stuff I’ve been planning to accomplish ever since they first sprung the news of their holiday on us [i.e, two days ago], like:

1. Raid the cookie jar [with a little bit of patience, it’s possible, even if you’re a dog like moi] and then silently chuckle as Taylor and Trikaya get blamed for the disappearing Oreo Thins

2. Eat [like, a lot. Like, more than usual. Like, more than my normal quota. -God, however I put it, it still sounds incredibly lame]

Annnd… Those are all the “to-do”s I have penned down so far. Hmm. The “overachieving, ambitious personality” that astrologists have assigned to Leos like myself seems to be hiding itself pretty well behind the “food-loving, food-adoring, food-obsessed food-addict” persona that I have managed to invent.

Ramblings · Take TWO · Woof Humor

Jetting Off

So guess what??

Mom and Dad have decided to leave. For Bangkok. In two days.

Which, granted, is pretty dope…

…IF you are undergrads with no responsibilities [i.e, no dog]. NOT so cool when you have the aforementioned dog, two whiny kids AND the aforementioned dog’s diet schedule. I mean, HELLO?? WHO is supposed to force-feed me brussel sprouts during the two weeks they’re away?? Don’t get me wrong; sprouts taste like squirrel poo [disgusting with a hint of even more disgusting] but they DO do wonders for my -um- bowel movement.

I’m not even kidding when I say that sometimes, I feel like the most mature person in this family [and I’m the DOG].