It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO · Woof Humor

I Smell A Rat

It’s been barely a week since the family got back from their quaint Parisian vacation and they’re ALREADY repacking their bags!!

I mean, I’ll be the first to admit that they’ve been nothing but abusive and neglectful in the past [need I even mention the time they feed me a whole fifteen minutes late?? I was practically passing out from starvation when they FINALLY decided to serve me my tea-time Pedigree quota]  but two holidays in the span of a month seems a bit too much, even for them.

Something tells me there’s more to this than meets the eye. I’ve tried to gather as much intel as I can from their conversations but someone or the other keeps bursting into tears and interrupting the flow. How inconsiderate could you get!! As if it isn’t hard enough to eavesdrop WITHOUT frantic sobbing being added to the equation.

To make the whole situation even MORE suspicious, they’ve already started buying text books for the girls. In the middle of SUMMER!! Why on EARTH they’d need anything school-related a whole month before the holidays end is a mystery to me.

I need to get to the bottom of this, and FAST. I can only hope that their great plans won’t destroy my sleep schedule too much…

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

A Hasty Update

The family’s back from their French rendez-vous tomorrow [that’s the right phrase, isn’t it??] and I could NOT be more pleased. Winston is delightful company, for sure, but he certainly isn’t a reliable source of stolen chew sticks [unlike my annoying-but-kinda’-nice sisters] and he definitely doesn’t plan on taking me to the beach anytime soon [which I can rely on my parents to do at least twice a month].

I mean, I’m all for roughing it out and all, but a girl can only go for so many days without a little frolic in the waves before a line is crossed.

It's A Dog's Life · Ramblings · Take TWO · Thoughts · Woof Humor

Be Careful What You Wish For, Kids [Also, Don’t Do Drugs And Stuff]

It’s been able a week since Win came over and if what we were initially going through was the fabled “Honeymoon Phase,” you can bet your favorite water bowl that the magic’s worn out by now.

Don’t get me wrong; Win is as gentlemanly as hes ever been – and that’s the problem.

I can’t believe I’m saying this after years and years of being neglected and abused by my family [remember the time they bought me that tie-dye collar and made me wear it in PUBLIC?! Ew, the TORTURE!!], but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there’s such a thing as being TOO polite.

And if there’s one thing that Win certainly is, it’s too polite.

I must admit that, at first, it was GREAT. I loved it when he let me eat up all his lunch without a word and that one time he took the blame for pooping in the foyer [WHAT?? “Verbal” isn’t the only kind of diarrhea I have], I all but swooned.

But then things started to get real boring, real fast. I’m the kind of dog who adores a good debate; a Labrador who lives for a little drama. But Win is too kind to ever hit back, too gentle to cause a commotion.

Before this week, I’d always wished for a collected, composed, cool-as-a-cucumber kind of a canine to enter my life and sweep me off my paws every time I spotted a shooting star [or even when I laid eyes on a cruising airplane, if I’m being honest – hey, I’m not picky!!].

But now, I’m not so sure that’s what I want.

Maybe my melodramatic, psycho family is kinda’ perfect for me, after all.

[OhmyGOD, I can’t believe I just thought that!! My family and PERFECT?? Yeah, right. The conspiracy theorists were right, I guess – staying online for too long wacks up your brain. I’m outta’ here before I start sputtering things like “Trump might have a brain” or some such nonsense. Peace!!]

 

It's A Dog's Life

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve!

I was casually minding my business earlier this morning when it suddenly hit me that we are four days from Christmas. FOUR DAYS!!

Are you KIDDING ME?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! WHY DIDN’T I GET THE MEMO??

I mean, I still have SO MUCH TO DO!! There are candy canes to mass order, Christmas cakes to smuggle, Netflix Holiday specials to binge-watch…

Time to get my elf on!

 

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Just A Regular Sunday

You know how everybody has their own little Sunday schedule?? Like, some people spend the day with their kids, some work on passion projects, some do yoga, yada yada yada.

Turns out, my Sunday activity is sleep.

Hardcore sleep.

It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I’m only just waking up and, dog or not, this can’t be the healthiest Sunday ritual.

In my defense, though, this has turned into more of a daily habit, so at least I’m consistent.

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Don’t Overstay Your Welcome

Intruder McUninvited is still camping over at my place and the situation is getting worse by the day. I mean, I have more than enough problems [try typing a sentence with paws for hands and then you can talk to me about struggle] without having to constantly guard my territory, thanks very much.

To make matters worse, the dog’s a Lassa, which is probably just code for “walking cloud” and don’t try to tell me that anyone with half a heart wouldn’t melt at the sight of THAT. Really, it’s all I can do to guard myself against succumbing to its intense cuteness while simultaneously safeguarding my turf.

It really is a dog’s life.

It's A Dog's Life · Take TWO

Intruder Alert!

I’m TRYING to be calm about this, I really am, but this is all getting a bit too much. I’m a nice dog so I keep to myself as much as possible but this? This is really crossing the limits.

You know what they say, the more you keep quiet the more you’re taken advantage of. And isn’t that what’s happening? I’m being exploited, aren’t I? My personal space is being compromised, my territory is being infringed upon, my oxygen is being polluted, honestly, I can’t take much more of this, I just can’t-

Guess what? Just when I thought my family couldn’t POSSIBLY care any less about my needs and desires [I mean, I only get four meals a day! How do you expect me to maintain my curves if I’m being starved like this?] they go ahead and INVITE ANOTHER DOG INTO THE HOUSE!!

Can you believe them? They had the guts to tell their colleague -not even a close buddy or a blood relation, just a colleague, mind you- that we have the space at our place to babysit their pet for three entire days! While they fly to London and look after their ailing mother or some such garbage! The audacity!

What I really want to know is how on EARTH they thought this arrangement would work out. Tempting a dog into my turf and then expecting us to get along? How stupid are they, anyway?

Look what they’ve made me do; in all my frustration I’ve knocked over a glass of orangeade and stained the tablecloth quite considerably. Ugh, I’ve got to go clean up this mess.

To tell you the truth, I’d rather wash a thousand tablecloths than have to go back ad face The Other Dog, so I guess I’m not really complaining.