Woof Humor

The Sixty-First eMail

Oh Best Beloved, [hey, I DIDN’T copy that from Kipling, he copied it from ME!!!] below this introduction, I have attached a copy of the letter I posted to Jennifer Lawrence earlier today. Enjoy!!

Dear Jennifer Lawrence,

First of all, I would like to state that I am a HUGE fan. I have read the entire Hunger Games trilogy, watched both the movies and eagerly wait for the release of the third one. The way you have portrayed Katniss Everdeen is truly remarkable. You are indeed one of the finer actors of our generation.

Although I could go on about this subject for hours on end, the main purpose of my writing you this letter is to talk to you about something a little more… important, if you will. You see, I, along with the rest of the world, watched the Oscars last night. It was a spectacular event, complete with the biggest stars of the film industry and one of the most marvelous comedians our planet has beheld; Miss Ellen DeGeneres. 

[You know where I’m heading to, don’t you??]

This is my question to you, and I’m going to say it -I mean, write it- here and now, as directly as I can;

Are you high??

OK, that probably came out rude and obnoxious, but hear me out. I’ve done my research, and I’ve figured out that it is NOT NORMAL for twenty-three year old, Oscar nominated actresses to just… fall, you know what I mean?? I also previewed your previous Oscar tumble -the one where you dramatically slipped while waltzing onstage to receive your  Best Actress academy award- and maybe that trip can be excused because of the surprise and the excitement and all.

But ONCE AGAIN?????? SERIOUSLY????????? This time around, I can’t simply brush away the plunge as “nerves.” I mean, it was TOTALLY Cate Blanchett‘s night. So HOW COME??? 

Or is it a Dior advertisement scheme?? You have to admit it, this ad looks pretty AWESOME!! :

I’m not writing this mail for the heck of it. I’m genuinely worried about you. How will I survive without watching MockingJay in the theatre?? [Private-Note-To-My-Readers-That-Was-Not-Mentioned-In-The-Letter: She doesn’t necessarily need to know that the “person” who wrote this is a dog, does she??]

It is on this note that I sign off.

On behalf of all the JLaw fans out there,

Feni Patterson


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