RIGHT NOW, AS I SPEAK/WRITE/TYPE…

Mom and Dad are sashaying into the cab -that will take them to the airport where they will board a fancy aeroplane which will fly them straight to Europe- as you read this [well, only if you’re reading this RIGHT NOW. Wait, that doesn’t make any… Nevermind].

Taylor and Kathryn left for Sarah Sawyer’s Super Summer Camp a few hours ago [all packed and chattering excitedly].

Grandma and Grandpa arrived just before T and K departed, and have already made themselves at home.

Which means…

I AM OFFICIALLY FREEEEE!!

Why Holidays Are The Greatest Thing EVER

If you’re sitting in front of your computer, groaning along the lines of, “Damn it!! Feni the GREATEST BEING EVER is not only flawless and a brilliant over-achiever, but she’s also about to gush about how she’s going on a month-long trip to Milan while I’m going to be stuck here in this stinky office cubicle for the next 30 days, trying to sneak pictures of her FABULOUS holiday onto the browser without my boss catching me,” you’re in LUCK because not only am I NOT going to go for a vacation to Milan [or anywhere else, really] in the foreseeable future, I am also going to be stuck at home.

Now, if you’re even kind of like I think you are, you must be wondering, “Well, if she isn’t going on a journey to some exotic land or the other, and is going to be held prisoner at home INSTEAD, WHY is the title titled what the title is titled [quick challenge: try saying that thirty thousand times, SUPER fast]??”

Because, my dear reader, while I DID mention that I am going to be stuck at home, I didn’t add that I am going to be stuck at home WITH Grandma and Grandpa.

You see, that last bit makes a world of a difference, because WITHOUT G&G, I would LITERALLY be STUCK here for a whole two weeks, due to the fact that Mom and Dad are ACTUALLY [and not just fantasizing about it with their blog viewers] going to Europe for about twelve days while Taylor and Kathryn are attending Summer Camp. However, WITH Grandma and Grandpa… I’m going to be the OPPOSITE of stuck. I’m going to be UNSTUCK –wait, that doesn’t sound about right.

I’m going to be INVINCIBLE!!

This is solely because I can twist G&G around my paw for just about anything. One lick and tail wag to Grandma and she’ll start making arrangements for me to dine with the Queen of England, if that’s what I really want. One long, adoring look in Grandpa’s direction and he’ll be ordering a life-time supply of Choco Royale ice cream in my name before you can say “GRANDPARENTS RULE!!”

And THIS, Dear Reader, is exactly why I am FULLY looking forward to the tenth of this month, which is when the whole family departs for their various Holiday destinations while MY Holiday comes to ME!! While they roam around sticky, humid swamps in a forest infested with Malaria-carrying mosquitoes [or, you know, air-conditioned, boutique malls], I’ll be sitting RIGHT in front of the T.V, being waited on hand and foot by the most devoted slaves anyone could ever employ. While they aimlessly wander around concrete jungles in search of Wi-Fi hotspots, I’ll be ruling the roost back at home, with all the Internet I could ever need.

Whoever coined the term “Dog’s Life” was CLEARLY NOT a dog, I can assure you.

Here Is A Thought On A Tuesday

An eye for an eye, DOESN’T leave the world blind, because there will still be that one dude with an eye LEFT, see [pun intended]?? Think about it, if two guys, A and Z are poking each others eyes out;

A: Gouges Z’s left eye

Z: Rips off A’s left eye

A: Scoops out Z’s right eye

And THAT leaves Mr Z COMPLETELY eye-less [and therefore absolutely BLIND] while Mr A -with his partial view- has more than enough time to run and hide behind a bush [or a tree or a building or WHATEVER] before Z can take a swipe at his last eye.

And THAT, my friend, is how to take an age-old proverb and totally TRASH it.

You’re welcome :D

April Fools

The only thing worse than being pranked on April 1st is NOT being pranked on April 1st. Trust me when I say this, because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum.

Last year, [you know, when I first tried a hand at fooling unsuspecting blog viewers] even though I didn’t really tell you about it [because of sheer embarrassment], I got pranked at least two DOZEN times by my siblings. In a single day.

And I don’t mean that I was made to look like an utter MORON because of really impressive hoaxes, like taping my entire room [well, if I had one] with newspaper cuttings or converting my entire room [well, if I had one] into a toilet.

No no no.

APPARENTLY, my BELOVED sisters [sarcasm intended], decided that if they were going to ROYALLY fool me on April 1st [like, who even falls for anything on APRIL FOOLS anymore?? It’s not like the media DOESN’T constantly keep reminding us about it from January 1st], they wouldn’t even make me feel a little better about looking like a complete ASS by crafting such a brilliant scheme that ANYONE would have fallen for it. Of COURSE not.

Instead, I was moronified [Is that even a word?? Moronif- Well, it is one now] by totally USELESS and PATHETIC jokes like Whoopee cushions and the whole “my-cat-is-so-charming-she-keeps-chasing-the-laser-point-I-continuously-flash-on-the-carpet-because-I-am-a-jerk” thing [except, y’know, I’m a DOG and all].

Like, are you freaking KIDDING me?? Laughing because it seems like your dog has farted even though you know perfectly well that the sound was produced by the inflated balloon you placed under her rear end is SO amateur hour [though, to be fair, I was managing the sound effects on my own most of the time… If you know what I mean].

So that was my situation last year. 2014 [Granolabar, that seems like SUCH a long time ago].

This year?? A WHOLE different story.

This year, my siblings didn’t even think I was worth the cheap laughs. Prodding a store-bought farterizer [PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S A WORD] under my butt for some light entertainment?? Nah, too much trouble. This year, they didn’t even flash a red dot in front of my face and tempt me to chase it down the hall [and then proceed to upload the whole thing on YouTube, obviously]. This year, they didn’t even wake me up with a rain of ice.

This year, I was completely ignored.

And let me tell you, it felt like [BEEP!!].

I woke up as usual, ate breakfast as usual, did my morning business –ahem- as usual, slept as usual, hogged on my lunchtime kibble as usual, slept some more as usual, refused to go for my walk as usual, lustfully watched the family gorge a kind-sized box of Cinnabons as usual, had dinner as usual and finally, with a heavy heart, go to bed as usual.

And the WHOLE [BEEP!!]ING time, I kept thinking to myself, Ok, it’s going to happen any minute now… They’re going to pull a FANTASTIC one on me ANY SECOND NOW… I’m going to make an idiot of myself on a global website ANY NANOSECOND NOW…

But it never came. That minute/second/nanosecond never came.

A year ago, I would have been super relieved if only my sisters quit humiliating themselves with such inadequate practical jokes [a dog can only get excited about a random bone on the floor and then be shot in the butt with a dart after approaching it -and then be forced to take the whole thing good-humouredly- so many times]. But this time around, I found myself CRAVING for them to mix so much as a DROP of Tabasco sauce into my meals.

So I guess the moral of the story is, guys, be grateful for what you have. Your sisters may be annoying as heck and you might just be considering sitting on their faces while they sleep [or maybe that’s just me], but you never know what you’re going to miss their attention.

Also, try not to get pissed when someone pranks you [especially on April Fools]. Take it as a sign that they care about you so much that they went to such elaborate lengths just to add a little humor into your life.

Unless they screw with your food. In that case…

Get ‘em gooood.

Turns Out, I Was Lame Then Too

I was surfing through my previous posts and came across one that just proves my point, Feni the dog was always this puny:

Hollywood Records, HERE I COME!!

Oh, yes, you read the title right!! I, Feni the dog, have FINALLY got my big break!! A letter arrived in the post yesterday, with TO: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, FENILA plastered all over the front. Here’s what it said:

[and keep in mind that I am only allowing you the privilege of reading this super-secret letter because you are gracing my blog with your presence -see what scrumptious rewards you get if you stop by at my site!!-]

-I have skipped the address part because that is WAY boring. Plus, I don’t need another stalker >Winks<-

Dear Princess,

It is with absolute ecstasy that I inform you about the approval of your admission application. We at Hollywood Records would LOVE you to join our crew and be a part of our company. 

Hollywood Records caters to the brightest stars of today’s time, and, of course, budding starlets with promising potential too. Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez and Queen are but a few members of our phenomenally successful group. 

By sending us another email with the word “yes” typed across, you would have confirmed your arrival on board. We hope you can join our family.

From

The HollwoodRecords team

See?? I am a “budding starlet” with “promising potential!” Hollywood Records said so themselves!!

Okay.

Fine.

I’ll admit it.

HW records never sent me a telegram.

I made it all up.

I did it jut because I am so disappointed about the fact that they never replied to the email I’d sent them. Sure, my email ID might have been a wee bit suspicious [dontwantnostalkers@hotmail.com] but hey, just as you can’t judge a book by its cover, you shouldn’t judge a person by their email ID!!

I guess I’ll just go, have a lie-down by the fire and muse about how loud I’ll scream when I get a message from HWR telling me that they’d be HONORED if I joined their team.

Till then.

Someday…

Someday, I will persuade my parents to allow me to sit on the couch [this way, I won’t have to steal moments on the sofa -in between their shopping trips downtown- to enjoy its soft, cushiony texture and feel like a criminal in the process].

Someday, I will become Victoria Secret’s first ever +++++++ sized CANINE underwear model, thus proving to the world that not only humans and skinny-as-heck lasses can look and feel fabulous [also, there’s the world fame and free undies, so two points for me!!]

Someday, I will have enough resources –which is rich people speak for cash- to indulge myself in back-to-back, seven-star cruises around the world [and I will also get the staff to make an exception and let me get my human pets along –that is, Mom and Dad. Oh, and my sisters].

Someday, my book will become so widely popular that OBAMA will fall to his knees ad beg ME to autograph his copy [hey, it could happen!!].

Someday, I will be so famous that my Wikipedia page will be the most visited Wikipedia page in history [Michael Jackson who??].

Someday I will publish a book and have a Wikipedia page.