What The Crabcake??

My wacko family has been acting really weird lately [even more so than usual, which is saying a lot]. Like they have some sort of secret plan to smuggle me to Rome and sell me fur to Italian drug dealers [what??].

I’m telling you, something’s going on, and I’ll bet my Uncle Ginger’s eyeball [the good one] that it’s got something to do with me. Hopefully, this is just me being egoistic and not the warning signs of a scheme to give me up for adoption to a muggle-born witch to keep as her pet companion when her drug-dealing husband goes out in search of innocent dogs to de-fur [WHAT??].


Taylor turned 14 today and the only reasons this affects me in the least are;

  1. Like it or not, she’s my -well- sister and I was forced by my conscience [WHY do have to be such a decent person dog??] to be extra-nice to her today [i.e, NOT burp in her face when she bends down to pet me].
  2. Birthdays ALWAYS mean cake and cake ALWAYS means guests and guests ALWAYS leave Mom distracted and Mom being distracted ALWAYS means I can snatch a couple mouthfuls of the aforementioned cake when nobody’s looking.

Also, general festivity ALWAYS makes me happy so win-win :D


It has just occurred to me that the only reason humans claim that delicacies like chocolate and cake and chocolate cake are “bad” for animals is because they want to have it all to themselves!!

Think about it; when has something so bad ever felt so good [yes, I am using Krypteria lyrics to describe cake and that should give you an idea of how strongly I feel about this issue]?? Sure, there’s drugs and cigarettes and Netflix-binges. But have ANY of them ever felt as great as it feels to just sink your teeth into a red velvet cupcake [especially when you’re starving]??

I think not.

Which makes it all the more PREPOSTEROUS that humans have turned them into a sort of forbidden fruit for the rest of us. I mean, the only way I can get a taste of Mom’s famous moist chocolate cake is by grabbing the odd bite here and there from other people’s plates. Not that do that, or anything. I’m just saying that that’s the kind of stunt we, as animals, have to pull-off just to get our tummies filled.

Which, just FYI, TOTALLY sucks.

Here Is A Thought On A Wednesday

My human sister is turning 14 in ten days.

What?? That’s it. The title demanded a thought, and I provided you with one. I can’t be funny ALL the time, y’know.

And just because I am a saint and insist on leaving my clamouring fans a.k.a you with a moral after each post [not really], let that be today’s lesson; even comediennes are unfunny on bad days.


Book Review: Girl Online

I’m a huge Zoella fan. The HUGEST, in fact. I LOVE her vlogs and reckon her beauty hauls are to DIE for [although I’ve noticed she doesn’t cater much to the canine species. Um, RUDE much??]. So you can see why I was the first in line to buy her debut novel that hit the stands in 2014 [yes, this reviw is more than a tad late. But can you really blame me?? I have STUFF to do, OKAY?? It isn’t like this blog is the extent of my social life and that I sit at home and silently weep under the bed every Saturday night while everybody has gone out to party and I’m stuck at home because of my misfortune to be born as a bleeding LABRADOR. My life is NOTHING like that.


As I was saying, Zoe Sugg is one of the most influential people in my life [and it isn’t because I have no friends and all the people I “know” are YouTubers or movie stars who I Twitter-stalk. That is so NOT like me] so you can understand why I was a tad disappointed when I was all set to DEVOUR her novel…

…And had nothing to devour except clichéd characters, not-really-witty dialogue and a barely interesting plot. Sure, it was nice enough. Elliot [protagonist Penny Porter’s gay best friend -he HAD to be gay, didn’t he??] cracked a few sharp jokes here and there, Noah [aforementioned Penny’s love-interest] was described fairly well, the story itself wasn’t TOO bad…

Except it lacked consistency.

Just when I got to a part that I could read without cringing [or maybe even slightly ENJOYED], it was followed by a amateurish passage abundant with been-there-done-thats like the whirlwind romance between Penny and Noah, the inevitable BFF fallout, the terribly hurried make-up seen between P&N right at the very end… It was all so childish.

The first hundred pages of the book were bearable. Penny’s first day with Noah was also quite OK. But after that, it started going downhill at an alarmingly rapid pace. WHY OH WHY did Zoe, usually so sane and logical, have to add that bit where her Mom bagged another vacation-extending birthday-party gig in New York?? It made the whole thing WAY to make-believe.

And 10,00+ followers in one year for just writing about your latest clumsy [and perfectly normal] escapade?? PUH-lease.

On the whole, I’d give Girl Online two out of five vanilla-scented candles but only because I adore Zoe and refuse to let a combination of 26 alphabets get in the way of my admiration.

…Annnd They’re Gone!!

Status Report: Mom and Dad are officially out of the house!! YAHOO!!

I am finally free to do all the CRAZY stuff I’ve been planning to accomplish ever since they first sprung the news of their holiday on us [i.e, two days ago], like:

1. Raid the cookie jar [with a little bit of patience, it’s possible, even if you’re a dog like moi] and then silently chuckle as Taylor and Trikaya get blamed for the disappearing Oreo Thins

2. Eat [like, a lot. Like, more than usual. Like, more than my normal quota. -God, however I put it, it still sounds incredibly lame]

Annnd… Those are all the “to-do”s I have penned down so far. Hmm. The “overachieving, ambitious personality” that astrologists have assigned to Leos like myself seems to be hiding itself pretty well behind the “food-loving, food-adoring, food-obsessed food-addict” persona that I have managed to invent.

Jetting Off

So guess what??

Mom and Dad have decided to leave. For Bangkok. In two days.

Which, granted, is pretty dope…

…IF you are undergrads with no responsibilities [i.e, no dog]. NOT so cool when you have the aforementioned dog, two whiny kids AND the aforementioned dog’s diet schedule. I mean, HELLO?? WHO is supposed to force-feed me brussel sprouts during the two weeks they’re away?? Don’t get me wrong; sprouts taste like squirrel poo [disgusting with a hint of even more disgusting] but they DO do wonders for my -um- bowel movement.

I’m not even kidding when I say that sometimes, I feel like the most mature person in this family [and I’m the DOG].