Humans!! I’ll never understand them!! I was just SITTING there, minding my own business [well, one step away from performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the chicken-flavoured bone Mom slipped my way a few hours ago, to be precise] in the drawing room when Taylor stormed in, her hair flying about and her mouth set into a slash of determination [yeah, Eoin!! You just got ripped off by a DAWG!!]. So I just continued massacring my chew stick, not really interested in carrying out a conversation just yet [even though everyone else does most -okay, ALL- of the talking]. Suddenly, like a bomb that just EXPLODED IN MY FACE, Taylor sashayed towards me and placed her hands on her hips, like she was all that and a bag of chips. “Don’t, Feni!! Just… DON’T!! I do not have time for this, okay?? Why don’t you understand?? It’s like NOBODY is even paying ATTENTION to what I need nowadays!!” So, OBVIOUSLY, I was all, “EHHH??” Because HELLO?? There I was, [not so] quietly sucking the face off a doggie treat when she just decides to waltz in and give me a earful like I’m some teenage daughter who spent too much money on football shorts or got detention for smart talking the math professor?? [Which, last time I checked, are BOTH offenses that she herself has been accused of] NOT OK, BRUH. NOT OK. And I didn’t even get to the REALLY annoying part yet. Oh, no. Apparently, it wasn’t enough that she just humiliated me in front of my snack. Far from. Waving her hands all around like some air traffic controller working overtime, she began picking out all my flaws, starting from my bulging-around-the-corners figure to my lack of proper “regimented” exercise. “GURRL,” I wanted to retort, my eyes flashing feistily, “I’m not sure who DIED and made you Commander General of Condemning Those Who Are Lower Than Thyself, but CUT. IT. OUT.” Of course, I WOULD HAVE SAID IT, if not for my utter lack of vocal chords [which only function when I want to produce a menacing growl or two]. Anyway, Taylor seemed to read my fiery expression and started ranting about how “Nobody gets the stress of the exams, y’know. And that includes you, by the way” and “Why can’t you and everyone else just get over how acing my Geography paper is the most important thing on my list right now??” Honestly, the first quote didn’t even matter, because who am I to judge the strain student are put through during quizzes and tests, considering how I’ve never sat for one myself [lucky me, eh?? Well, you try sulking about dark corners of the house,snogging Pedigree 24/7. Not as desirable as it sounds, trust me]. But the second comment really, and I mean REALLY, got to me. Did she just- Was she trying to- Was I hearing what I was HEARING?? DID SHE OR DID SHE NOT JUST SAY THAT A CRAPPY A+ ON A CRAPPIER TEST WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAN I AM?? ME, HER LOYAL SERVANT, DEVOTED BUDDY AND BEST BEST FRIEND?? ME, WHO’S ALWAYS READY TO POLISH OFF YOUR BROCCOLI [dogs don’t have very high standards for edible food. If it ain’t reeking or rotting, it’s fine] FOR HER?? SO WHAT UP, DUDE?? WHY THE SUDDEN HATE?? I mean, SURE, haters gonna’ hate and all, but this isn’t a REGULAR hater!! She’s my SISTER, the one in whom I can confide me deepest, darkest secrets!! The one whom I trusted and loved like a bag of Royal Canine!! So what do you think, loyal reader?? Should I straight-up tell Taylor that her behavior is not cool?? Or should I just pent it all up like I have been doing my whole life, thanks to the Gods of Biology and their freakish sense of humor?? Oh, and I’m giving away five BMW i8s!! All you have to do to ensure participation in the lottery is perform a handstand on your neighbor’s lawn [with the sprinklers on] while wearing your Grandpa’s oldest overalls… JUST KIDDING!! I was only checking whether you were still paying attention. -Attempts An Evil-Witch Cackle Before Trailing Off In A Coughing Fit-
OK, WHAT just happened??
Was I maniac hyperventilating [like I usually do when I am exposed to an overdose of awesomeness, this time in the form of all the glittering pop stars present at the Staples Centre for the GRAMMYs this Monday] or DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN??
Was I imagining things or DID BEYONCE’S RIGHTFUL ALBUM OF THE YEAR GRAMMY GO HOME WITH BECK?? BECK!!
I was right, then, wasn’t I?? Remember that time when I predicted that martians were going to assume human forms and take over our planet from under our very noses?? It has OBVIOUSLY already happened, and you HAVE to agree. I mean, how else would QUEEN BEY lose out on the only award she hasn’t already bagged a gazillion times, to some guy called BECK??
The ONE benefit of this situation is that I have been immensely comforted by the MASSES OF TWEETERS who have taken to the microblogging site to exress their rage at this national crisis.
Grammys: Beck had the best album of the year Everyone else: pic.twitter.com/NiJx0xke3x
And I say that as someone who likes the Beck album! It’s just… awfully uneventful, as a whole, especially compared to Beyonce.#NPRgrammys
THE #GRAMMYs ARE IN FOUR DAYS!!!!! I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED Y’ALL!! [Well, I’m also kind of sour about the whole affair, considering how I was SUPPOSED to have gotten my big break by now and should’ve been up there performing one of my numerous #1 singles with Sam Smith instead of lounging on the couch with a bowl of popcorn that either has too much pepper or too little salt -Oh wait, I can’t even do THAT because 1) I’m a dog and dog’s aren’t allowed on the furniture and 2) Popcorn is apparently “bad” for us canines so I can’t even binge on THAT!! -Although I’m sure that all these diet restrictions have been imposed on us poor creatures just so that humans can hog all the London Dairy Tiramisu ice cream in the fridge and not offer us any but still feel good about it- Gawd, being me doesn’t just majorly SUCK, it STINKS TO THE HIGH HEAVENS]
I can’t WAIT WAIT WAIT to watch all those divalicious performances and [not to mention] crazy dance moves busted by some of our favorite pop stars. But most of all, I can’t WAIT to watch Queen Bey get awarded Album of the Year!! [FINALLY!!!] See, i’ve got it all worked out; from all the nominees, the only album that is capable of winning against Bey’s LEGENDARY surprise album is Beck’s. But it’s only CAPABLE. Will it WIN?? Not in this world, Becky Boy!!
I mean, take a moment to think about it; between XO and Flawless, Drunk in Love and Pretty Hurts, our Sasha Fierce leaves not much space for criticism. How could she possible NOT win?! I mean, this is BEYONCÉ we’re talking about!!
Oof, all this fangirling has got me hungry. Time to scout the dustbins for suitable leftovers!!
DAY 5: A TRUSTY MANUAL ON HOW TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU’VE STUDIED ENOUGH
I’m probably the last person you’d turn to for exam advice. Heck, I’m the last person I’d ask for a helping hand when it comes to making Chemistry notes or tidying-up a packed schedule.
But that’s only because I am the most put-it-away-for-later kind of person who’s ever walked the face of the earth, and for ONCE, I am SO not exaggerating [OK, maybe a little].
Sure, I MEAN well. I make all sorts of timetables and programmes and to-do lists and in my mind, I’m always thinking stuff like, “By tomorrow, I should be finished with this chapter as well as those Algebra formulas, so that by next week, I will only have one lesson to complete,” and all sorts of other academic baloney. And, to be honest, in my MIND, everything is always running smooooothly.
But in reality?? Things are much, MUCH different.
For example, my brain thinks I’m all prepared for the exams. I mean, it muses, all I have to do is mug a couple more French irregular verbs and a few of those weird Biology diagrams and I’m good to go. How hard can labelling a few pictures really be, right??
Well, my dear darling brain, considering how I have the attention span of a potted plant, even “labelling a few pictures” can turn out to be a real nightmare.
If you think about it, bearing in mind that my exams are a mere twenty days away, I should be a lot more panicky. I’ve barely skimmed through a single chapter, forget crammed all of that crazy Congruent gobbledygook. But hey, maybe the best way to prepare is not to prepare at all [or at least that’s what I keep telling myself]…
DAY TWO: PURPLE HIBISCUS
To be honest, when I first saw the front of Adichie’s debut novel, my instinct was to place it back on the bookshelf and walk away. And, believe me when I say this, I KNOW not to judge a book by its cover, but how could I, a mere kid of TWELVE, have been attracted to a jacket that displayed a somewhat blurry female clutching a violet flower?? Sorry, but NO WAY.
That’s where Dad came in. He promptly chose that particular book as his weekend-read and the next thing I know, he placed the book on my bedside table with four simple words taped to it; “Must Read; Brilliant Book.”
I kind of had a minor heart-attack right on the spot, because my FATHER just praised something. My FATHER!!!!!!! The last time he uttered the words “Brilliant” was when Hakan Sukur scored his first FIFA goal within eleven -ELEVEN!!- seconds of the match starting.
The next thing I knew, my arms, as if on autopilot, stretched out, grabbed the paperback, commanded my butt to seat itself on a chair and my eyes started a long pleasurable journey.
It’s a book with something for everyone; young love for the romantics, an almost-devilish father [who thinks he’s doing the right thing] for the people who generally hate others and, of course, a brilliant story for the general bookworms.
There isn’t a single word in Purple Hibiscus I would edit. There isn’t a sentence I would replace. There isn’t a paragraph that was slightly out of place. Everything fit like jigsaw pieces; without even a slight edge of awkwardness.
I enjoyed the book immensely. The last fifty pages are but a blur because of the pace I was reading them. I wanted to know more, to reach the end and relieve my mind of this constant burning sensation that commanded me to read as quickly as possible and waste no time to figure out how it all ended.
Purple Hibiscus is a gem in itself; a carefully plotted masterpiece that I wish I could relive.
Thank you, Adichie, for penning out a novel that will forever more haunt me.
DAY THREE: THE MAZE RUNNER
From the first moment on
I was totally gripped
From my hands to my feet
From my knees to my hip
My eyes bulged with fear
My temple-vein throbbed
I felt like I had
Of my life been robbed
For I couldn’t really focus
On anything else all day
Neither could I work
Nor could I play
All I could think of was
“Gotta’ get back to that book,”
As I said before,
I was TOTALLY hooked
The twists and the turns
That snaked through each page
The characters emotions
Their sweat, blood and rage
I FELT their triumphs
I FELT their falls
I FELT like I had
Been through it all
I could barely breathe
[Let alone study math]
My attention was keen
I was oh so rapt
When at last I read
Through the final few words
I couldn’t believe it
The way it HURT
Like a part of me
Was wrenched away
Like I could never be
Again this way
DAY TWO: FROZEN [SQUEE!!!]
Let me start by saying; Gosh, that movie was HOT!! [The cruel irony of the film industry, eh??]
I couldn’t TEAR my eyes off the TV screen even for a short potty break. [yeah, I just said “potty”] I mean, SERIOUSLY. [OK, I said the “P” word in public. Now could you please get over it??] It was THAT great. [POTTY!!!! POTTY!!!! POTTY!!!!! Is THAT POTTYlicious enough for you?? You poop hating FREAKS!!!!!!]
-Let’s start this over-
Under usual circumstances, I would begin a movie review with maybe a few newspaper ratings and boring stats like the sold-out theatres, broken records, blah, blah, blah. But, let me remind you, there is NOTHING normal about Frozen, the SENSATIONAL animated Disney movie that won TWO Oscars at the 86th academy awards [there I go with the stats again].
From the moment the picture started, I was GLUED. My whole body tensed up, waiting for the next revelation. I had so many questions, and I was blood hungry for the answers.
The clothes were elegant, the story itself was quite interesting, the songs were catchy and fun to sing along to, [not that I have them on Replay or anything. Why would I?? Right??] it was very child-friendly and clean.
It WAS cliche, I’ll admit it. [Princess meets Prince. Princess falls in love with Price. Princess marries Prince. Princess meets Man Who Sells Ice. Man Who Sells Ice falls in love with Princess. Princess finds out that Prince is not in love with her and wants to take over her kingdom. Princess dumps Prince. Princess falls in love with Man Who Sells Ice. The End. -OK, it may not be THAT cliche…-] But it did have tons of original ideas. Like the Snowman, Olaf. [A personal favorite]
Although it was very, very good, I have a few doubts I want to clear with the script writers. I mean,
Why did Elsa have magic powers that she didn’t even want?? Couldn’t she somehow magically donate it to someone who actually cared two hoots whether they could shoot frost out of their hands?? [Like me??]
Why did Anna want Else back so badly?? Even after Elsa practically KILLED her at her ice-fort thingy. Yeah, this is a true demonstration of a sister’s love and all, but when does this happen in REAL life?? [The place where dancing dollops of snow and rock-trolls don’t exist]
How on EARTH does Kristoff’s [A.K.A Man Who Sells Ice] reindeer live THAT long?? AND be so fit and healthy?????????
I’d love to go on, but Mum’s calling me in for lunch. Boy, am I starving!! And we’re having my favorite today; Food!! I’ll see you later, Reader. Oh, and FOLLOW!!!!!